When I woke up this morning, I was fuming. I was so angry. I don't even know why. Whatever I was dreaming before I awoke thought, must have really pissed me off. I'm better now, but still not in the best of moods. I wish I could remember what that dream was about.

I'm pretty much staring at my computer screen trying to think of how to word what I'm feeling. I'm so confused. I don't even know if I am feeling. And if I am, maybe I don't even know what they are. Argh. I think my thoughts are catching up to me. What should I do? Should I do nothing, and let my thoughts slowly drive me insane? Or should I risk judgment and lose?

Do you believe in signs? Like from a higher being? I think I do, but I'm afraid to. Should I follow what my heart says, or should I listen to my mind? The signs say my heart. They say go for it, God will guide you. But I'm scared.

The begining of this week has been a mind clearing existance for me. My "poetic" release has done something to organize my thoughts. I am feeling slightly less angry and vengeful, though no less unresponsive to certain people. I think I have just come to realize certain things that I value more in my life, certain people, certain memories. I am subtly detaching myself from things that only seem to make my angry. I feel better already.

I'm driving just to clear my mind. Driving forever in the darkness. The music plays sad songs in the backround but I hear nothing but the words in my head. I drive, Away from my pain, From my fears. I turn inside of myself, To hide my feelings, To put up a front. I'm so anrgy, so confused. I don't know what to do. I have never felt like this before. My thoughts are going crazy. I can't stand it. I drive on, away. I fight against tears, but I loose. I loose. I just want to hide. To stay away forever. I want to scream. I stop. I breath. I walk away. I walk in the cold and listen to the sound of my footsteps. I think about the cold, and how it makes me feel. I can almost think straight. I try to be as quiet as I can, silent. I notice nothing, not the wind, not the moon, nothing. I've turned inside myself agian and the world seems duller, less nice. I hate this. I'm so confused. I just walk, slowly down the street in the dark... away... away from my pain. I detach myself from my life. I stare into space. I smile when I need to. I say thank you when I have to. I don't remember anything. I'm lost. I can't think straight. I don't know what to do.

I'm scared...

Don't preach to me about type casting, and then tell me she should have gotten the part because she looked it. And don't be so condecending about it. It isn't my fault. You wouldn't have thought twice if it were someone else directing. I can only do so much, you know. And he was already on my back for favoring my friends for roles over other people. Don't act like you know how it works, because you don't. I don't care if people are mad. Let them be mad. It isn't my fault. Everyone can't have everything they want in life. The ice has to break somewhere.

Christmas Spirit

I love Christmas. It is a combination of many good things. Good food, good weather, mostly happy people...I just like it. I like what it stands for at least (not so much the materialism involved now). But, I must admit that I am just not getting into the holiday. It is only two short weeks away. I know it is my own fault to, because I am so darn busy, but still. I suppose I will have to try a bit harder. Perhaps have a party, and decorate my basement. As a matter of fact, I think, if I finish writing that speech, I will decorate, right tonight. Maybe I will decorate and listen to some Carol of the Bells on repeat. That would be fun. I'm sure it would put me into the spirit much more that the lame attempt the school tried with the cumbersome Christmas trees in the entry way. I know they were trying for the gorgeous HP look, but it just turned out cheesy. Oh well. Ho ho ho.

Yellow

I really don't like that color. In fact, it would be safe to say I hate it. I don't even really know why. I just don't like it. There isn't really andything wrong with it, except it's ugliness. A lot of good things are yellow too. The sun, for one. I like the sun, mostly. I guess I would classify that as more of a orange yellow though. But what about bananas? Bananas are good. They are definatly yellow, so no explaining away that one. And who ever came up with yellow paper? Seriously, that was dumb. What is wrong with white? I like it just fine. Anyway, I have to do my homework. I will keep away from the yellow.

On London

Hmmmm. I was going to post my thoughts on London. But I got bored with that so I decided to post this just for the sake of posting. Sorry.

Injustice

Is it called irony when bad things happen to good people? Talk about cruelly ironic. I hate unfairness. Why do good people have to be hurt? Good people, who smile everyday, who actually care about you, who love, who enjoy life to the fullest. Why do they need to feel the pain of loss? Why does it have to be so hard? Why does a child have to die? I can't image what they must be going through. To have to take that kind of loss is one thing, but then to have to go home to the house, to the room that you had specially painted for the child, to the faces of your other waiting children, to tell them the news, to let them down, it would be unbearable. I don't know that I could keep living.

Dear God,
Give them the strength and courage to go on. Help them to continue living their lives. Support them as they struggle through this hardship. Don't let them loose faith, let them believe, let them learn. Show them how to move on, for their other children, for each other, for themselves. Be with them. Please.
Amen

So...Morris...

It is nice and...rural. There is a large barn and a field, in case you want to bring your horse with you to college. That was a plus. I would have missed my horse, but now I can just bring it with me. Maybe I could ride into town on the weekends. It would actually be better to ride my horse, because cars go so fast and if I blinked, I might miss the town. It is half the size of good ol' NU. Seriously, though, for a public school it is nice. The dorms are small, the smallest I think I've seen, but what can you do? The study abroad program is as good as anywhere else...as is the theater, and the rest of the programs I would be interested in. Nothing really stood out. They were hospitable there, though. When I was sitting in on the Spanish class, the other Spanish professor came in and gave me a bunch of stuff, including a quick study thing and a DVD of a study abroad they had in Ecuador (at least, I think that is what it is, I haven't watched it yet). I wasn't given the overall feeling of a big family though, like I have felt at other schools. No one really was hanging out on the lawn or watching TV in the lounge area. Actually, they didn't hardly have a lounge area. But, anyway, like I said, overall it was nice, and it only smelled a little.

Hhhhhhhh...

I don't know what had gotten into me. I am really over emotional and it is annoying. Right now, even, I just kind of want to cry. I'm sure it is because I am a little sick and over tired, because I know it isn't because it is that time of the month. It is probabaly built up stress too, even though I barely know why. My stupid grades, probabaly. I want so much to do well my last year, and right now I am not. And I have a Physics test tomorrow, yipee. I wish I had a competent teacher. Then there is my Gold Award. I know I don't really have the right to complain, especially to those of you who have problems with yours, but I am going to any way because I am human and I want to vent. I just want it to be over. I know I got the 2/3 approval, but come on people, seriously, do you know how hard I worked on that? I poured blood, sweat, and tears into that stupid thing and all I get is 2/3 approval!!! Who are you, Nazis? You want minute details! Like my mom said when she read it: "What a crook of shit." Of coarse it was said in the nicest way. And who can say college pressure? Scholarships, anyone? It helped, I suppose, that I just beat Minesweeper Expert again, but it only helped a little because I missed beating my high score by over a minute.

On changing perspectives

It is amazing how quickly and drastically my outlook on life changed. I am the first to admit that I sometimes beleive things I shouldn't, especially it there is a little bit of proof. For example, I woke up at about 2:30 on Friday night to the sound of my radio. I listen to my radio at night if I need to get up on time the next morning because I find that if I have something to concentrate on (such as the sound) I will stay awake, instead of falling back asleep and being late. So, anyway, what I woke up listening to was two guys talking about the end of the world. It was an interview with a guy who wrote some books about it. They were discussing the signs that the apocolypse is coming, especially noting the things going on in Isreal right now. I won't get into details, mostly because I can't remember them, but I was really scared. I, of coarse, will take into consideration that I was alone because my family was out of town and I was under considerable stress. I found that I was a lot less scared in the morning, in the light. But, considering recent events, and the shape of the world these day, I don't find it hard to beleive the end of the world is coming. If you live your life thinking this, it can really mess you up. These guys were talking about the seeven years of tribulation being just around the corner. Think about that. Seriously, why do anything? College, yeah okay, sure, but why? My knowledge will be useless. I guess I might as well, though, because if I build up a lot of debt, I won't have to pay it back. This realization really made me think. For a second i was mad at God. I don't want to die. I'm scared. But I also don't wan't to live in fear of the next disaster. I want to raise kids in a good place. I want to have a nice life. Thinking these things really made me scared. What if what I believe is wrong? Or what if it is right and I am living a bad life? What if I don't make the cut and am stuck in a living hell?

If Everone Cared

Nickelback - If Everyone Cared

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I'm alive

[CHORUS]
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singing

Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen I'm alive
Singing Amen I'm alive

[CHORUS (X2)]

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died

A soldier on my mind

I know, two in one day, what can I say. There is just this guy on my mind. When I walked into church this morning with my brother, we went to the same general area where we usually sit, then we picked the pew with the most room left in it, so as not to be squished next to someone unpleasant. It just so happens that we sat down to this guy who looked vaguely familiar. This is not the see-him-in-church-every-week familiarity though. Actually I am pretty sure he came into Larkspur with a buddy of his a couple times over the summer for lunch. They came in their National Guard uniforms. Anyway, even if it wasn't the same guy, I know he was in the Guards, or some kind of military. You can always tell because they are the only ones who wear their hair that short. No one does that voluntarily. He was also wearing dog tags, and he had a really strong grip. So, after Communion, when everyone is reflecting, I noticed he was really into his prayer, and that is when it dawned on me, really. I'm sure that he (if in fact he is a soldier, because I am not 100 percent sure) if being deployed to Iraq in a bit. I can't even begin to guess what someone in his shoes is feeling. I would be so scared. The whole time I would be thinking about how I might not be coming home again, how I may not see my family once more, how the last thing I see before I die could be desert and sand, instead of beautiful trees and lakes. I couldn't do it. I admire those who can. I admire their strength, their security, their faith. I look up to them, wish I had what it took.

A slight change in circumstances

Have you ever thought what life would be life if only one little part of it changes dramatically? I have been thinking about this for no apartent reason, over the last couple of days. It is mostly in a humorus way: I was thinking how different the TV show Lost would be if, instead of having the fotune of crashing on a beautiful tropical island, the crashed in the middle of the Sahara Desert, or on a vast moving mass of ice somewhere of the coast of Northern Canada. That sure would have changed things for them, huh? But it is only really one change: the location of the crash. One can argue that it in fact a series of changes, but mostly they are the result of a very large change. I wonder how my life would be different if something possibly insignifigant changed dramaticaly. Or, what if something did change dramaticaly, and what I am living now is a result of that change?

Sorry that I can not continue this amazingly thought provoking post, but I am on the computer in the front of the Larkspur, taking over for the lady who works up here because she is on break. I have to get back to work in a mintue.

Espresso, Moods, Rain and Randomalities.

On Seniority: I know, again, but different this time.

Alright, the first part is the same. I love being a Senior because you can say things like "Yeah, that would look weird, but who cares? We are Seniors, we can do whatever we want." and things like "Come on, Mom. It is my Senior year." It is all in good fun of coarse. However, I did realize today that I do not like the personalities of some of the Seniors, for example my "friends." I find that they lost interest in the things that used to be fun. I know a few Seniors who I barely ever see smile and who have gotten really cliquey and gossipy and all around not nice people. I deffinalty liked them better when they were younger.

On Petitions: One in particular I will not support.
There is a girl at my school who, for lack of all appropriate words, I will say is not a nice person. Though I don't have all the facts first hand, I can gather most of the story. She had the audacity to think she was voted onto Homecoming court. She was ineligible of coarse because of some violation or another, I believe it was smoking of school ground. First of all, hello?!!!! How dumb can you be?!!! But here is the thing, not only is she mad about the rule that says she, or anyone who has a Minor Consumption/DWI/etc. charge, can't get onto the court, but she is taking it a step further and actually petitioning the rule. Really, I am all for the freedom of speech and whatnot, but people just need to know when to quit. For one, she is a student, standing up against adults. For two, she isn't a very good student, and people know that (when I say that I mean nice, trustworthy, easygoing, etc. Not to do with grades). For three, is she really trying to defend her studipity. Smoking is illegal for someone her age, at least it was when she got caught, and on school ground? Come on.

On Espresso:Like no other caffeine.

Man, it hypes me up. Just one shot of espresso and I am good to go for hours. It is becoming sort of an addiction. And actually, thanks to Psychology 101, probably a bit of a placebo. Oh, well.

On Moods: Contagious.

Have you ever noticed how if someone you are around a lot is in a bit of a bad mood, you kind of are too? What is with that?

On Sports: An old end, a new begining.

Well, the Twins are done for another season. They ended early this year, but to be completely honest, as much as I wanted them to make it to the playoffs, they would have been killed. Annihilated. They didn't even really deserve the playoffs. Now, Cleveland, they fought back hard there at the end. I wouldn't have minded see them there. I'm cheering for the Sox though, this time around. (Uh, that's Chicago, not Boston. Go AJ!) But, as one season ends, another begins. The Wild open up their season tomorrow, and I am excited! I know some people are boycotting the hockey season because of the lock out, but I am not some people.

On Quitters: The jerks.

I am going to be incredibly hypocritical here, but oh well. I really hate jealousy. If I could get rid of one human emotion, without really thinking about it, that would be it. If causes so much tension. Here is the deal. Some people are quitting my school play because they didn't get the part they wanted. The worst part is though, that some people in the play are mad at the people who got the role that they wanted. I can understand that they are mad that they didn't get the part they wanted, but to be mad at the person who got the part is not cool, especially since they didn't really do anything wrong. Jealousy is keeping them from being happy for their friends.

On Rain: ahhhhhh....

I love the rain!!! Especially when it pours!

On Pampering: another sigh.
Man alive! I just had a profesional massage because my mom got invited to this shopping thing at Lambrecht's. Ahhhhhh. Was it nice! I was kind of laughing during it, because it felt so good that is sort of tickled, but man. I want to do that again.

On Darkness: wierd?

I like the dark. I was typing in the dark, until I started to get a headache. I do a lot in the dark. Climb stairs, find things, shower, sit, listen, talk. I find it soothing and a little refreshing. Sometimes I just close my eyes and pretend it is dark. I imagine the sky, too. The stars, the lights, the moon, the planets...

On being a Senior

With the good comes the bad, I guess.

On Classes:

What can I say? I am afraid to say they are kind of easy because I am sure they will get harder, but right now they are. Seriously, with my schedule, you'd think I would have mounds of homework every night, but I have barely had any homework all week. Oh, well, though, I am sure that time will come.

On Status:

Sweet! It is so nice being the top of the food chain. I like being able to say, "Pfft, I'm a Senior." and acting better than the Freshman. Seniority if very cool. Plus, teachers favor Seniors. I hated that when I was an underclassman, but now I savor it.

On Feeling:

In some ways I feel like a Senior, and in some ways I don't. Obviously I feel the pressure of impending college and the good things mentioned above, but I also feel more. At any given moment, actually most of the time when I am in the hallways, I think about how I viewed Seniors when I was in Younger grades. Elementary: Whoa! Those guys are so cool and really big. Higher Elementary: Wow, still cool, and big. I just want to grow up. Junior High: Wow, they are cool, hey, he is cute. Freshman: Stupid Seniors! Grr. Sophomore: They aren't as cool as they think they are. Junior: Wow, they seem so mature. Is my class ever going to grow up and be that mature? Well, now that I'm a Senior, that is what I think about. Do I live up to expectations set before us? Am I setting a good role model for the kids?

Welcome back to school

Yes, the school year has started and you know what that means. Okay, if you don't, it means that I have less time to post thought provoking, interesting, entertaining, sometimes humourus, always important, entries. I am sorry. I am very very busy. Unless I have the unavoidable urge to put off mounds of homework, like I am doing right now, I will only post around once a week. Again, I regret this, so if I have something intelegent to say I won't hold back if I can help it.

So, I think my Internet is messed up.

Alright, Dylan, oh Computer Wiz, help me out if you can. For one, every time I go to the Google Homepage and type something in the search box, something happens, usually something invovling opening the File folder or a change settings window. This just started happeneing, it never used to happen. I don't know what the problem is. Next, if I go to my favorites folder, like I do faithfully, several times a day, and I click on another blog or a website, I will get a page that is out of date. For example, today (today!!!) my pages updated so that I could read everyones most recent posts. Krissy's post that I had been seeing was the one that started "Um, yeah, update." Dylan: Kraft, to be or not to be...Kaia: the one about you books, where you still hadn't finished Frank. So, if anyone can help me with that please, please, do. It is driving me up a wall.

P.S. Thanks for the solicitor blocker.

Why I cried during Catcher in the Rye

I understood it, on a crazy, weird level. Holden wants to avoid growing up. He nearly hates the world around him, society and all. He hates the phoniness. The phoniness! He thinks kids are gold. In a way he is like Ponyboy from The Outsiders. But anyway, I think I cried during some of the parts because I identified with him. I don't want to grow up! I wish kids could stay young forever. I hate phony people. I just posted about that! Whatever though, I just though I'd let you know.

So it ends...so it begins

I wish I could have been a junior forever. That was a good year. Sure, a little stressful at times, but all around, it was fun. The classes were for the most part enjoyable, the people: the same. It was everything Senior year promises to be, without the pressure of planning for my future.

Summer has come and passed

The innocent can never last

Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass

Seven years has gone so fast

Wake me up when September ends

Wake me up when September ends. I know that this year will not be all bad. In fact, I am looking forward to it. What I am not looking forward to is venturing out into the real world. The innocent can never last. Yeah, that is true. Boy, I never realized what high school was going to be like. I am a sheltered kid. I still want to hold on to my childhood. I didn't realize what I had while I had it. Now it is almost gone.

I solemnly swear that I am not going to let the pressure of society conform me into who they want. I will be my own person. I will stand up for my principles. I will succeed, but I will not become obsessed with success. I will not stress over the small things. I will try not to stress over the big things. I will not worry about my future. I will plan for it. I will not be single minded. I will look at the possibilities. I won't judge myself. I especially won't compare myself to other people. I will be myself. I will be a good friend, daughter and sister. I will trust and be trusted. I will show compasion. I will have faith. I will not be afraid. I will enjoy my last year of high school.

People and how I dislike asking them for help when I know I can do something better than them or am to proud to ask them for help in the first place

Here are several more titles this post could be called:

People and how I don't trust them to do things

People and how they are incompetent

People and how they drive me nuts

Me and how I just want to scream

If you haven't already noticed, I am a little on edge. This is partly because I have had a couple espressos and partly because I just got home from a very stressful three and a half hour shift at my job. I apologize in advance for my cynicism.

I discovered today that I really don't like asking for help. There are different situations to this though. One situation, for example, is when there are a lot of things to do at work and there is a very very very very slow guy (who, for the sake of anonymity we will can Big Q) working with me. Now, to paint you a picture, when I say slow, I mean he is lost-to-a-turtle-in-the-hundred-yard-dash-by-one-hundred-yards slow. Trust me, that is slow. Plus, he isn't even very good at the jobs it takes him an hour to do. It isn't even like he is slow in a good everything-he-does-is-perfect kind of way. Anyway, basically I won't ask him to do things that would help me because I know that I can get the things done better and with more efficiency than him, even though this makes me very angry and stressed out. Another situation that this little issue arises in is when I know I can do something just as well as someone else, even though I could probably use the help. I, I think, like to prove that I can do things. This happens, actually, quite a bit when I do homework. I know that if I ask for help from a teacher, or a human encyclopedia, that I will figure out what I am doing much quicker than if I try to do it myself, but alas, I don't ask because I am to stubborn and proud to. Now, when I do ask for help it is usually because of one of two reasons. One being I gave up and concieted that I need help in figuring something out. Two is that I am just being lazy and would appreciate someone else doing it for me. The later doesn't happen that often, and when it does it is a work, so Kaia, Audrey, you can't get out of helping me with stuff by saying I am just being lazy.

Now that I have vented and release some of my anger, I feel better. My hands are still shaking, but it is now because of the caffeine.

Unintelligent meanderings

Well, I had something incredibly thought provoking to say. I thought of it while I was working today. I even thought to myself wow, two intelligent posts in as many days. But, alas, it was not meant to be because I forgot what was so memorable. I thought that if I started typing...haha. What I had been typing was "I though that if I started typing, then what I had been thinking would come back to me." Well, lucky for you, it did, right when I was typing that sentence. So, instead of reading something unintelligent, you will get to ponder over these next profound thoughts. A guy came into work today to get his usual coffee. He comes in a couple times a week. He lives just down the block. I over heard him talking one day (about the Twins, believe it or not) and I vaguely mentioned the conversation to my mom. She said she knew who I was talking about. She said he grew up as a really close friend of my uncle. Well, this guy came in today. I started with my customary greeting and then said "Is your name Joe?" (That is what my mom said it was.) He said that it was and we started talking about how he used to hang out with my uncle. He said he thought it was crazy, because he used to be really close to my uncle and then after high school, they just kind of separated. Oh, no, he said, I guess there were the couple years of college, when everyone came home for Thanksgiving. We still hung out then, but once we hit 25, that was it. He went on to ask about my family, where his old friend was now, and what about my other uncle? Doesn't he still live in Hutch? As Joe was getting his coffee he asked if I was still in school. I dutifully responded that I was going to be a Senior. "Oh, so you'll be going through that all this year, huh?" I hope not. Really. I know that hardly anyone ever stays friends after high school, but then what were all those years? I like the friends I have now. I want to keep them. Seriously.

Fake people and how they bug me

I know a lot of people who come into where I work. Some of them I know because they are regulars, some because they are teachers, some are friends of my parents, some are kids at my school. I have to say that one of my biggest pet peeves is fake people. People with their false smiles, their forced laughter, their meaningless conversations. Countless members from my class at school enter to order overpriced coffee. They see me and don their expressions of surprised recognition. "Hey! How have you been?!? How's your summer been going?" they ask, as if they know me, as if they care. What can I do? In my head I think what I want to say. I don't think I've talked to you since 5th grade. And I think that was because we were doing a class project in teacher-picked groups. It is nice that you've taken such an interest in my life. Would you remember my name if it wasn't on my nametag? But, I confess, I could not actually be that mean. I wish I could be though. Then I wouldn't be forced to answer in the sickeningly sweet voice that I hate, with my own smile that doesn't reach my eyes. "Hey! I've been really busy working. Haha. Yeah. Oh, my summer is going well. And how's yours going?" even though I don't care. It wouldn't be so bad, I wouldn't mind it near as much, if these people were people who talked to me at school. They don't even have to be my friends. A simple "Hey" would do when we are the only two in the hallway. But these are the same people who I could sit next to in three different classes and they would ignore me. What actually brought this chain of thoughts on was on girl in my class who came in to work the other day. She is in my class, and has been for as long as I can remember. She came in and ordered. She didn't ask questions that she didn't care the answers to. As much as I dislike her (for her morals, actions, etc) I admire the fact that she did not feel the need to act as though she knew me at all. I don't know if I am the only one who thinks this way, who hates artificial people. I am probably the only one who even thinks about it.

Apparently, how I am more apt to trust others before I trust myself

I have a general disposition to trust everyone. It doesn't really matter who. Everyone starts 100% trusted with me. They work their way down, not up. If someone did something that made me lose trust in them, then their percent drops. This plague actually stems from the need to find something good in every person. But, as I learned today, people can't be trusted. No siree. You want trust from me? Take it somewhere else, Bob. From now on, you start at the bottom. You have to build your trust. You do something that is trustworthy, your points go up. Not before. So, I guess you could say I had a general deposition to trust people. So long to that. You may be wondering what brought this on. Well, let me paint you picture. It was a cloudy day, exactly like today, because it was today. It was humid. The door was open at the Larkspur Market, the atmosphere: welcoming. It was about 4:00 pm (for Dylan: 16:00.) It had just started to get busy. We are training new people in there, so it was a little hectic. I waited on a guy (a big guy, 6 feet tall at least, 300 pounds, give or take because I don't know how to tell weight, light brown skin, long straggley black hair, nasty body odor) who had a red shirt on. He ordered two scoops of ice cream, to go, in a dish. Lori, my manager, set his ice cream down on the counter and went to wait on someone else. I took his money. He paid me in a one hundred dollar bill. (On a side note, don't you hate people who pay for something that cost $2 with such big bills?) I counted out his change in my hand, twice. I always count it twice to myself before I hand it over. As I started counting it out in his hand, he waved me off and just took it. Whatever, I thought to myself. I assumed he watched me count it in my hand, so he knew it was all there. He then asked for a lid for his bowl of ice cream. Being the helpful person I am, I went to get it for him. "There you go," I replied cheerfully, as I handed him his lid. "Have a nice day." I'll bet he had a nice day, the jerk. After he got his stupid lid he said I short changed him forty dollars. That put me on the spot a little, so I momentarily froze. I didn't know what to do. I knew I gave him the right amount. I counted it. Twice. By then Lori came back and asked what the problem was. I obligingly told her and she had me give him forty more dollars. Being the trustworthy idiot I am, I did, without a fuss, after all, I probably made a mistake. It was busy, I was flustered. Mistakes happen. He left. We finished our rush. I went to talk to Lori. I'm not stupid. I know the difference between forty dollars and eighty. Hello? If I did short change him, it would not have been by forty dollars. Twenty, maybe, but not forty. Well, anyway, to make a long story short. I was right. I gave him the right amount of change the first time. He walked away with and extra $37.86 and a free double scoop Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream, the dirty animal. The police came and questioned us about him, after Lori counted out the till and realized that we got jipped. I feel like an idiot. Seriously, why didn't I trust my gut enough to know, right away, that he was lying? He slipped the two twenties in his pocket while my back was turned and then said I short changed him. Me and my stupid "Everyone is good, they can all be trusted" motto for life. Darn it. That is still my stupid motto, too. I still trust everyone. (Obviously within reason. I won't get into a stranger's car etc, etc.) You can take it somewhere else, Bob, if you want to, but I will still trust you. You can hoodwink me. I will fall for it, because I believe you are an honest person.

Dream Big

Dream Big
Ryan Shupe & The Rubberband

When you cry, be sure to dry your eyes,
'Cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile, be sure to smile wide,
And don't let them know that they have won.
And when you walk, walk with pride,
And don't show the hurt inside,
Because the pain sill soon be gone.

And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.

And when you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself,
And it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength to help to carry on,
But when the troubles come your way.

And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.

When you cry be sure to dry your eyes,
cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile be sure to smile wide,
and don't let them know that they have won.
And when you laugh be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself,
and it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength
to help to carry on when the troubles come your way.

Still slightly procrastinating

I have decided what I want to be for the rest of my life. I am going to be a stress level manager. I will help people with their stresses. This is definalty an issue present in the world, and if not in the world, then definatly in high school. I am going to be bold here and talk about certian situations. For example, I have one friend who has almost no time to herself because she is pushing herself in a lot of different directions. I can tell that she is really stresses, for one, by the was she was practically crying today when I saw her. I wish she would be more open to opening up to other people. I want to help (hence my career path). I happen to have another friend who puts just as much pressure on herself, though a little less visibally. I don't even think I realized how much pressure she put on herself. Don't get me wrong, pressure is good (without Russia would we have went to the moon?) but to much pressure will blow a valve, or rip off skin, or cause a heart attack. Trust me, I know. So, if anyone needs to talk about anything, you know my number. I promise to honor doctor-patient privacy privlages, or whatever.

Ambitiousness and how it disappeared

Well, it all started about 8:30 this morning. I got up, went through my sites, listened to the latest installment of the podcast, and set to work. I had a meeting with Mr. B. at ten so before that I finished filling out my passport stuff and got a letter ready to mail. I fixed my schedule and applied for my passport ($97!). I helped Kris with her blog and then met with my girl scout leader to discuss my gold award. Then I had a girl scout meeting, then I went to work. As I type this, I realize that it is not near as impressive as it sounded in my head. I was thinking to myself, "Well, Sam, just because after work you didn't really feel like finishing some things on you Gold Award project, you still got a lot done today." Only, I really didn't. And now, at 22:30, I still have to finish up that stuff. I am postponing it by doing this. I will double check all of my sites before I even start. Actually by the time I finish it will be midnight. If I finish.

Things I like about rain

The way it falls

The way it smells

The way it gives life

The way it forms puddles

The way it feels on my skin

The way it makes my hair wet

The way it shines on the ground

The way it sounds on the windows

The way it looks, when I look straight up at it

The way it blurs light when it is on my windshield

The way it can be dreary one minute and beautiful the next

Hopelessly Lost

Okay, I am in a very depressed mood right now. (Sorry Dylan. You are trying to talk to me about Peter Pan.) In the last hour I have been wondering around Internet job sites and taking online personality tests. Nothing seems to be working. In fact, instead of being closer to knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life, I am even less sure! GRRR! I don't want to make a decision that I am not going to be happy with ten years from now. What I like to do has little options (e.i. History, English) besides teaching. Kudos to you who are teachers, but it is not for me. And of the jobs that are out there, there is limited availability. For example, I would like to work on Broadway, doing techie stuff, you know, but how many of them do they really need? And I don't want to go to school to be a techie. I'm not a computer geek. I don't know squat about computers. I wish I was more outgoing, and I liked being around people. I want a doctorate, but that is even worse, because then you are so specialized it is unbelievable. I already know I don't want to be a doctor, partly from an extreme detest for hospitals and partly from an overall dislike of Science. Then what? Law? Okay, I'll concede interest, but still there is the I am not outgoing factor. I don't even know if I would be smart enough for a doctorate program. I have a tendency to collect information and then throw it away when it is no longer needed. In fact, that's the story of half my high school career. This is why I don't want to grow up. This is why I detest decision making. This is why I just want to be a student forever. I wonder how much I would have to pay someone to make these decisions for me. Curses upon people who ask the unanswerable questions. Do you know what schools are you interested in? Do you know what you want to go into?Do you know what types of careers appeal to you? No, thank you and good night.

Home

MICHAEL BUBLE "Home"

Another summer day

Has come and gone away

In Paris and Rome

But I wanna go home

Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel all alone

I just wanna go home

Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you

Each one a line or two

“I’m fine baby, how are you?”

Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough

My words were cold and flat

And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplaneA

nother sunny place

I’m lucky I know

But I wanna go home

Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home

I’m just too far from where you are

I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life

It’s like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why you could not

Come along with me

But this was not your dream

But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come

And gone away

And even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by

A million people I

Still feel alone

Oh, let me go home

Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home

I’ve had my runBaby, I’m doneI gotta go home

Let me go home

It will all be allright

I’ll be home tonightI’m coming back home

I love this song.

Catch 22

I don't care what Audrey or Kaia say. I really liked Catch 22. I finished it this morning. I even want to read it again. There are so many things in the pages that you can't catch the first time you read it. So many hidden things, themes, clues. It is torturing me. Especially since right now I can't ponder over it because I have to go to work. The book made me laugh and cry. But not cry with actual tears, because on the next page I would laugh again. There are so many things in the text that I just can't put my finger on exactly what they are. Darn it! I know this is rambling post, but it is because I don't know what I want to say and I am in a hurry. Maybe I will repost this later.

Silent as the grave

Haha, I was cleaning out the files on my computer and I came across this. I know I posted something like this a while ago, but still. There are some more too, that in hindsight are actually somewhat amusing. I guess I had a journal on my computer before I started this.

July 17, 2004 (though I actually thought of this a long time ago)
Silent as the Grave
What is silence, really? Can you tell me? Have you heard it, or rather, not? Think hard. When was the last time you have been in complete silence? Can you even remember? No? Me neither.
There is always something. Even now, with the radio off, I can hear the slight buzz of the computer and the droan of the vents above me. And if it wasn’t that it’d be something else. The cars driving by outside, the dog down the street, a family member a floor above me.
Can you think of any times? When you plug your ears is it silent? No, it isn’t. You can either hear what is around you, just a little muted, or this other weird sound, like the ocean.
I sometimes wonder what its like to be deaf. The barely audible creak on the stairs or typing keys would sound like an explosion to someone who has never heard anything and suddenly could.
In a way, I’d be afraid of complete silence. I’d be afraid that had gone deaf, even if it only lasted a little while. I would think something was wrong, defiantly. But I’d also have this unreal excitement, if it was totally, utterly silent. Where you actually could hear a pin drop.

Ghosts and such

While I was immersing myself in Frankenstein last week I came across something that stuck in my mind. "In my education my father had taken the greatest precautions that my mind should be impressed with no supernatural horrors. I do not even remember to have trembled at a tale of superstition, or to have feared the apparition of a spirit. Darkness had no effect upon my fancy; and a churchyard was to me merely the receptacle of bodies deprived of life, which, from being the seat of beauty and strength, had become food for the worm." I was thinking of this and wondering if it really worked that way. Sometimes when I am in a graveyard, respectfully visiting the site of someone who has gone before me, I can't help but shiver as I feel a cool wind or the whispering of nearby trees. I don't immediately jump to the conclusion that is must be a ghost, but it lingers in the back of my mind. You could say I am superstitious. I do ritual things, (no, not like cult rituals). Just like the same things over and over when they produce good results. Like using a certain pencil on an exam. And I guess you could say I believe in ghosts, but I've never seen one. But I'm not afraid of the dark. Unless, I guess, when I am outside, alone. But even then it isn't a fear of the supernatural. It is the fear of a man hiding in the shadows ready to attack me. I was just thinking that if people were brought up not even knowing about supernatural things would they even notice that something is supernatural? Would they attribute a sudden freezing chill all through their body to something completely natural, and not think that there was a possibility that the ghost that lives in the attic just walked through them? I will go as far as to say are ghost real, or just a figment of the imaginations that believe in them?

Bad tippers and how they bug me

I don't even work at a resturante where I am allowed to accept tips. My grandma and mom are awful tippers. I don't even think they know they are bad tippers! But how do you say, "Hey, put more money on the table"? How do you say that? Maybe they just can't do the math. The bill comes out to about $50 so they leave about $3 tip. Now, I know that 10% of $50 if $5. As they should be leaving at least a five dollar tip, if not more, because places are pushing the 15% gratuity thing. I think they can do the ten percent thing, they just don't think about it. I wish they would though, it is embarrasing.

He he he...

BOOOOO! You're it!
[Harry]"Why? I thought Voldemort was supposed to be lying low, or are you telling me he's going to jump out from behind a dustbin to try and do me in?" (OotP, UK edition, p. )

The ups and downs of my day

Up: I woke up and was in a good mood.
Up: I had time to read some funny things online before heading out for a day of softball
Up: I found (and found on time) the place I was supposed to meet my team at.
Down: The ump made us take of all of our jewelry. This included the good luck bracelet.
Up: I was sneaky and tied it to my ankle.
Down: Sometime during the first game I slid into a base and scraped up my leg.
Down: Also during the first game I got nailed in the arm with a pitch. It really really hurt. I have a bruise.
Up: We won that game.
Up: I got to relax for an hour, lying in the shade reading a book.
Down: That book was homework.
Up: The part I read was humorous.
Down: I started to get tired.
Down: In the second game the girl at second base had the ball so I tried to run around her only she took out my legs with her tag and I sprained my ankle. That really, really, really hurt. Worse than the bruise.
Down: I got tagged out.
Down: Now I limp.
Up: I managed to hold back the tears.
Up: I played I was okay and got to stay in the game.
Down: It really hurt to run.
Up: We won that game too.
Up: That meant we went to the championship game.
Up: I didn't get hurt during that game.
Down: My ankle really hurt, though.
Up: My arm didn't hurt anymore.
Down: We lost the championship game.
Up: We put up a good fight and the score was tied until the seventh.
Up: We got consolation medals. Big ones.
Up: I got named an All-star. I got a sweet plaque. It is big too.
Down: I misspelled plaque as plague.
Up: I corrected it.
Down: After playing three games today, I am exhausted.
Down: I had to say good bye to my cousins who are going to live with their mom for the school year.
Up: I get to spend a (hopefully) quite evening at home enjoying my French Silk Blizzard from the Dairy Queen.

Whoa who!

Oh sweet mother of good fortune! As I endeavored to start reading the daunting text of Catch 22 I open the cover and lo and behold I found two (2) five dollar bills! How they got there I know not, but now I can say I am ten dollars richer!

Tick, tick, tick.

As I sit hear, listening to the mercilessly loud ticking of my watch, I know, even before I have finished typing the first sentence, that I have nothing of real importance to say. Tick, tick, tick. The noise is taking over my mind, making me feel as though I am victim of some kind of reversed Chinese Water torture. I permit myself to peer around at my surroundings and find myself staring at the enraged face on the cover of Frankenstein. It is calling me into it's unusual pages. The monster's yellow eye is beckoning me, crying out for me to finish the last ten chapters so that I can find out if Frankenstein's "destiny," "his ruin," his overall "destruction," really are as bad as he is foreshadowing them to be. Tick, tick. It has come to the point in the book where the monster is telling Frankenstein a story, who is telling the story that the monster is telling him inside of his own story about his destiny, ruin, and overall destruction to another man (who's name is Robert), who is writing it all down so that he can tell his sister. Tick. I'm sure that soon the monster will begin telling Frankenstein a story that Felix told him so then it will go Felix, Monster, Frank, Robert, Sister, in order of story telling. I smiled to myself when I read the name Felix. I smiled also when I read about the philosopher's stone and the elixir of life. Tick, tick. Alas, I can resist no longer, the pages of the twisted story are drawing me in. Tick.

Colleges and how they keep sending my applications

I participated in Minnesota Private College week for a couple of reasons, one being the application fee waivers. For taking part I got four (4) fee waivers. If you don't know what that is (though, I am sure you do) it is when it doesn't cost you to apply. It usually cost about $40. Well, like I said I got four waivers that are good for any private college in Minnesota. To get these I had to visit three different colleges. Now, wouldn't it make since that I use the waivers for the colleges I visited? The thing is, now I don't have to. Two (2) of the colleges I visited have sent me applications with their own application fee waived. It was stamped right on the application. And one of the colleges sent me two (2!) applications, each with it's own fee waiver. What was the point of getting the fee waivers then? Now I have to find four colleges to send an application to that I didn't even visit just to use them. And they are non-transferable. So I can't give them to anyone else. Oh, well, I suppose I will manage.

Senior pictures and how I'm glad they are over

It went okay, I guess. They turned out pretty well. I'm a bad judge though, because as someone close to me said, I am "self critical." I'd have to say that is true. I could find at least one thing wrong with each picture if you wanted me to. But the important thing is they are over and now all I have to do is pick which ones I want. Plus, now I get to wear my new clothes, which is nice. Just a side note, my little cousins are leaving in just over a week!

Fall, and how I wish it were here

Yes, that's right. I love the fall. Almost more than I love winter. It is so refreshing. The air is cool enough to be comfy in a sweatshirt, yet not too cold where you need to wear a heavy jacket. I was thinking how much I like fall because today it is the perfect temperature. Yesterday Kaia said she wished it would snow. That would be nice too, except I don't want it to snow before we have had an adequent amount of fall. And while I'm on this subject, I kind of want school to start again. I know, I know, I should be enjoying summer. What kind of person wants school to start again? What can I say, I'm looking forward to it. I'm taking some cool classes, I want to meet my new teachers. I don't know, it's not like I can't wait for it to start, I just I've been really busy this summer and a change would be nice.

Senior picture madness

Well, I've come to the point in my life when it becomes necessary to have pictures taken of me and only me. I don't really know why this tradition started, but I tell you, it is dumb. First of all, my is being slightly psychotic about it (only she pretends that she isn't). Also, what the heck am I supposed to wear? Seriously, I want to wear something that is comfortable and expresses who I actually am. My mom on the other hand wants me to wear things that make me look nice, but that I wouldn't ever dream of wearing to school (Actually, most of the things she wants me to wear I wouldn't be caught dead it). Anyway, all these pictures are really causing are headaches and stomach ulcers (kidding on the ulcers...). I mean, there are so many choices. Not only do you have to choose what to wear, but you have to pick more than one outfit. I think my mom has me up to four! Then you have to choose the pictures to be inside or outside or both. And when you choose inside you have to choose your backgrounds. And when you go outside, where do you start? Do you want a picture by the river? or against that pretty building? or on those rocks over there? how about in front of those flowers? Then you have to choose what clothes would look the best outside and which would look good inside. Man! And that's not all. On no, then after the pictures are taken, you're supposed to choose the ones you like the best. What if they all look good? How are you supposed got narrow it down? What if they all look awful? How do you pick the ones that look least worse? And then you have to choose how many of that one you want, and in what sizes. And how about this one, how many of this one? Argh! All the new clothes I got I can't even wear until after these dumb pictures for fear of spilling something on them. And I wont let myself where my sweet new shoes because I don't want to get a scuff on them right away. I will be so happy when this is done.

Hogwarts, you're stupid, stupid, stupid

Hey guys, I got this article of an HP website and I thought it was humorous, mostly. But, if you think, because it isn't exactly pro-Harry Potter, that you might be offended (as were the people at this website) then I would recommend not reading it. You have been warned.

From the Los Angeles Times Editorial Section

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Joel Stein

Next Saturday, when the sixth Harry Potter book comes out, at the very least I want you to stammer excuses when I see "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" on your nightstand. I want you to claim you're reading it to make sure it's OK for your kids, or your future kids, or even, if you have to, for kids in general.

I don't want you to tell me how well J.K. Rowling writes, or that academics are writing papers about it, or that Harry Potter can be read on many levels. "Clifford the Big Red Dog" can be read on many levels too: One, he's a big red dog; two, if you read it after you're 4, you're a moron.

I read 50 pages of the first "Harry Potter" book, and it seemed witty, imaginative and fast-paced. It also seemed like it was for children. It's about wizards and magic cats and evil stepparents, and has a reading-level that is only slightly above this column.

Judy Blume wrote well too, but you don't see adults poring over "Freckle Juice" on the train. No matter how well-crafted "Harry Potter" may be, I'm betting that with a little work you could find an adult novel from the last three centuries that is nicely written too, and possibly explores characters with a shade more complexity.

I know reading is hard. I try to avoid it whenever possible. But if I'm going to sit down and read a book, I'm going to get something out of it other than the ability to have a conversation with my second wife, who isn't even born yet.

I'm sorry you were born too late for J.K. Rowling, but you had your C.S. Lewis and E.B. White and J.R.R. Tolkien. Isn't it a clue that you should be ashamed of reading these books past puberty when the adults who write them are hiding their first names?

I'm sure the Potter books are fun. I bet a night of Fun Dip, piñatas and Sit N Spin would be great too. I think I may have a film to pitch to Cinemax.

After a generation of boomers choosing to remain in a state of stunted adolescence--wearing jeans, smoking pot and cranking their BMW stereos to blast Eminem songs they clearly don't like--the next generation has opted for a stunted toddlerhood. Adults see "Finding Nemo" without bothering with the socially accepted ruse of dragging an unwilling 11-year-old nephew along. Grown men play video games and couples go to Disneyworld on their honeymoon, often for reasons other than having sex in Cinderella's castle with the dwarfs watching.

When we share our entertainment palette with the Wiggles set--watching comic book movies and teenage singing talent shows — we deny an attempt to understand human emotion.

I took both my grandmothers to see the Warner Bros. movie about the first "Harry Potter" book because Aaron Brown let me fulfill my ultimate media dream by having them review it live from Mama Ann's condominium.

In addition to Mama Ida claiming that one of the kids was hard to understand because she might have been English and referring to the special effects as "scenery," my grandmothers eventually made the one cogent point that other reviewers missed: The story is stupid if you're over 13.

A culture that simplifies its entertainment down to fairy tales is doomed to simplify the world down to good and evil. And a culture in which adults go see the "Harry Potter" movies still won't be enough to help the useless Time Warner options I got in the '90s, so you might as well buy something from the back of the bookstore instead. You won't have to wait in line for "Ulysses."

Restlessly waiting...

I am very restless. It is almost more than restlessness. It seems I am unable to sit still. Random thought fragments are obscuring my mind. I find that my leg is shaking. I am running on slightly less sleep than normal, though I fear that tonight I will sleep no better. You see, I am slightly obsessive. I have stayed up reading late into the night a certain book that seems to be filling my thoughts. Even as I sleep I find that I dream that I am reading, the characters and places the same, but the plot taking turns that only my mind could come up with. I have finished this torturous book, to tears and a desperate want for more. It is compulsive of me, I know, but I can't seem to stop thinking of the possibility the next installment can bring. My mind is filled with werewolves and spells, red-headed people, unknown initials, pity and fear, yet, in a way, courage. I do realize, however, that I am being silly, so I will therefore leave you here.

The ends of books...or...something

With the next installment for the much talked about HP series due in only about thirty hours, I have to confess some of my fears. Actually only one. Do you remember the end of LOTR? No, not the whole thing on Mount Doom, or the coronation thing, or even the little war in the Shire. I mean do you remember Frodo in the end? He is restless. His task is done, and now he doesn't know what to do. Maybe I am wrong but I didn't get the impression he was exactly happy. Well, with only one more HP book due out after this one, I am afraid that after Harry defeats You-Know-Who (yes, I believe good will win in the long run) that Harry will suffer the same as Frodo. He will, in a way, be kind of lost. I find that after I reread OotP I have become sort of emotionally attached to him (and for the record, it has happened to me with other books too, so I am not a HP freak). The same thing, though, with the other characters. I feel so sad when I think about Sirius as a kid Harry's age. So young and hansom, his whole future ahead of him. And then I think of how JK describes him after his little stay in prison, with his hollowed face, thinning hair, a shadow of good looks. That actually brings me to another point: I am dying for more back story...especially about James, Lily and Sirius...maybe a little bit for Dumbledore too. I guess, (unless you want me to go on and on (and on) about my thoughts on HP) I will leave with something my brother said when I told him HBP was only going to be about the size of SS: 'Man, I was looking forward to reading a nice long one.' Adios

Protesting, etc...

You know what I think is funny, in a cruel and ironic kind of way? Violent protests or demonstrations. Sometimes the human race can be so dumb, it is almost unbelievable. I think that protest is a great thing. It excercises our right as Americans to freedom of speech, among other things. But seriously, if you want someone to listen to your side, don't be violent. Who is going to agree with your points if people are getting hurt and property is getting destroyed. Granted, whoever you are protesting may not listen to you even if you are peacful, but they will be more likely to. Plus violence gives your cause a bad name. For example, I heard about some rallys in Africa where riot police were called in and a couple hundred people got arrest for being violent. And in Scotland where the meeting is being held, people are putting up signs of support for the causes (end to African poverty, etc...) in their shop windows to save their businesses from being vandalized by rioters. If I was not already in support of this cause I might second guess myself. What are these people trying to support with violence? I would say to myself. Maybe they don't need as much money as they are asking for. I'm not condemning all protesters. Like I said, demonstrations are great. They give the people a voice.

I don't know

I don't really know what to write about today. Everything I am thinking about would be boring to read about. For example:

The Twins won today.

HP comes out in 13 days!

LOTR marathon on Monday!

Kris comes home in 12 days!

I'm going to War of the Worlds tomorrow.

I was going to paint my toe nails, but I forgot.

I should go to bed.

I don't have to work until Tuesday.

I am now involved in some sort of theater production during HertaigeFest.
I really don't know anything about it.

I don't even know if I can get off work for it.

I ate Chinese food tonight.

I wish I was going to Sunshine.

I just watched half of National Treasure.

"Sometimes you have to do what is concidered wrong in order to do what you know is right."

"If there's something wrong, those who have the ability to take action have the responsibility to take action. "

I should go to bed.

Good night.

Final scores

St. Mary's was okay. Nice. Hot. Not extravagent though. Average. The campus is comfortable and air conditioned for the most part. The class sizes are really, really small. Our guide said he has had a few classes where it is just 4-5 people. I guess there is more then just one college without a football team, because they don't have one either. The dorms are fairly big. The internet situation is a little confusing though. Parts of the campus are wireless, but some parts aren't I think. It has a small theater. I didn't get a lot of info on how student life is going to be and what I can expect out of it. It's not a bad school...I'd give it a 6 out of 10, maybe a 7. It's not St. Thomas. That's a nice place. I'd give there an 8 or 9. Even my mom liked St. Thomas better, and it is more expensive. Oh, well, I guess we'll see where it all goes. My parents say I have to visit a couple more public colleges before I make any decisions, so...

Pick a college

Disclaimer: these are my opinions of the colleges I visited and you should probably form your own because you might look at different things then I do. Also this is going to get really long, so if you're planning to read the whole thing it will take a few minutes.

Well, I visited 3 colleges in the last 2 days and let me tell you, it is tiring and I'm still not done. By then it will be five colleges in four days. First on the list was St. Thomas. I was really impressed. I felt very welcome there. The guide mentioned several times how the strive for a family atmosphere and the dorm rooms are really nice. They have a good athletic program (not that that matters to me) and a healthy rivalry with St. John. There is a real theater. The chapel is beautiful and they have daily masses. The surrounding area is nice...I don't know if I'm a big fan of the city, but the neighborhood appeared safe and there a campus security who will walk you to your car or where ever if it is dark and you want them to. It is wireless, which is nice. Well, that's all about UST.

Now on to St. Scholastica in Duluth. Blah. That basically sums it up. They differ from St. Thomas in this: when my mom and I got to St. Thomas we listened to three people talk in from of a group of about 75 people about the admissions, education, and life at UST. They were not good public speakers. The first impression of UST was not good but it got a lot better. Well, my first impression of St. Scholastica was good and it got a lot worse. The first thing you see as you drive unto campus is a beautiful grey brick building. Well, after climbing about a million stairs to get to that nice building I signed in and my mom and I met one on one with an admissions councilor who answered all of our questions very well. But then it was time for the tour. What a waste of two hours. The girl who was the guide didn't know anything. Several questions were asked and on most of them she said "Well, I'm not sure, but I would guess....." And during the slow parts of the tour, when walking from building to building, we all walked in silence. She was unenthusiastic and rather boring. Tower Hall looked nice on the outside, but on the inside it was kind of dark and dingy. We didn't even really get a good tour because whenever we got to something worth looking at the guide would say, well, the lecture hall (cafeteria, classroom, study room, science lab, computer lab, student hall, chapel, etc. ) are locked, but you can look in the window. My mom said she got the feeling that we weren't allowed to go in anywhere. The tour guide also didn't touch on any social things like dorm life or rivalries or intramural sports. And speaking of sports, have you ever heard of a college without a football team? Well, now you have. Oh! And one (okay, two) more thing(s). The theater at St. Scholastica, it used to me a gym! And also, the library used to a chapel, but they need more room for books so they moved the chapel to a smaller, less visually appealing place. And there isn't a daily mass--heck, it's only thirty percent Catholic. Sorry, that got long and winded.

I will move on to the final college of my visits: UMD. I was impressed, I must say. Granted that didn't take much because I had just come from the disappointing St. Scholastica and I don't really hold public colleges in as high regard as private ones. I would go to UMD probably before I went to St. Scholastica. UMD is really big and it is all connected so you don't have to go outside to get to different buildings. That makes the campus feel a lot safer in my opinion. The dorms aren't impressive, but they aren't that bad and our guide made dorm life sound like tons of fun. The theater is to die for. (They have catwalks!) The library is also really cool, it is four levels and if you stand in the middle of a circle that is on the floor in there your voice sounds amplified to yourself, but no one else. Academically though, I don't think I would be pushed as much at a public college as at a private college. UMD puts out only 25% of undergrads after four years. The rest graduate after five or more years. To get accepted you need a 20 ACT. At St. Thomas the average student has a 25 ACT and a 3.6 GPA and they basically guarantee you'll graduate with a B.A. in four years.

Huh, I'm tiered. I have been typing this for 31 minutes. Again, I remind you to form your own opinions of the colleges because you are the one who has to go there. Tune in next time for the my overview of St. Marys and WSU.

Random Stuff

Well I will warn you know that this will be nothing profound. I am too tired to think thoughtful thoughts.

I am going to look at St. Thomas tomorrow in the Cities and then I'm heading up to Duluth to check out St. Scholastica and possibly UMD. Then on Thursday it's off to Winona to take a look at St. Marys.

I think my Internet was messed up, at least at one particular site. I have Mugglenet bookmarked in my Favorites category and I go to that site through the bookmark. Well, for the last week all I have seen at the top of the sight is the stupid "Rupert Goes to Batman premiere" news article. For the first couple days it was no big deal. "Slow news day," I'd say to myself, but as the days turned into a week, I would have thought that Emerson or someone would have said something about there being no news. So I checked it out. I goggled 'Harry Potter.' Mugglenet was the fourth or fifth site. I clicked and here popped up a refreshed Mugglenet site with at least 20 news items I had not seen. I don't know what was wrong, but it is safe to say that there was (or is) definitely a problem.

I decided I am going to be a coin collector. I picked up around 10 wheat pennies at the Larkspur the other day so I checked how much they were worth online. The highest one is only worth about 50 cents, but then I looked up all the other coins I have. I have a buffalo head nickel worth about 10 dollars (It would be worth more (like 80 dollars) except that it is pretty worn down). I have a 1932 Georgivs V Canadian One Cent that is worth some money too. I have some other coins that I pick up here and there, a bunch of foreign money, something from Japan I think, Germany, a half penny with Elizabeth II on it...If you come across some coins that look cool but you don't want them, let me know I'll add them to my collection.

I have to go finish packing.

Fears

Alright, here is a big secret: I'm not really fearless. I know, I claim I am, but it isn't true. I'm a little afraid of heights and spiders. And one more thing. I'm afraid someone I'm close to will die. That someone isn't specific, it could be my mom, my brother, my grandma. But when I don't know where someone is I worry. Or like last night, I spent the night at my grandma's house. I think she has sleep apnea (which if you don't know is when you stop breathing when you sleep). I was listening to her breath while I was in bed one room away, I could hear her because she snores a little becaue of the apnea, except it wasn't a constant snore, in, out, in, out. No. It was more like in...o..ut......................i...n....ou..t. I would hold my breath until I heard her breath again. I'm afraid she will just stop breathing. Or if my mom or dad are out with some friends and it is getting kind of late I worry they will get in an accident or something. It is dumb that I worry and I know that I should stop. This is the first time I have ever said anything about it.

One

For those of you who know me and read this, you can expect an email about this in a day or so, but for those random people out there who happen to stumble across this, I want to tell everyone about this site called One: Campaign to Make Poverty History. As the title states, it is a campaign to make extreme poverty (and AIDs and Starvation) history. If you go to www.one.org you can "sign" a declaration committing yourself to making the world better and safer for everyone. On the site you can buy wirst bands and watch the clip that has a bunch of famous people talking on it. I encourage everyone to go to this site because the cause is good. They don't ask for money, just your voice.

I don't know

Well, I now have 6 people signed up for my club and the deadline was yesterday. Hopefully I can get a couple more to sign up. If you are looking for something profound here, sorry, this is deffinatly not it. The only reason I actually started trying this was because I was thinking about how no blogs (at least the ones I read) have been updated in almost a week, or in drastic cases a month (Kaia!). Since I have nothing of importance to say, I will tell you about a couple blogs i came across as I was 'Next Blog'ing it. One was this: a guy wrote about four paragraphs of a short story and then passed it on and someone at a different blog wrote the next few paragraphs and so one. It was kind of cool and I would try it, but I'd almost be afraid of where it went. I don't know, maybe I will. Another blog I came across directed me to a site where you can play 20 questions against the computer. I thought it was kinda cool, so I played a few games. If you want to play it is at this site:

http://y.20q.net/anon?z722mQPXdI5maXqQ0YAeuWXG7PHU7sABPtfRVr9

I have to go do something constructive before I head off to Graduation parties.

Procrastinating

HHHhhh. I have just spent the last forty-five minutes doing basically nothing. I checked my email, and surfed around...it was fun, yet boring if u know what I mean. I know that I should be writing up my sheet for Español, but I don't really want to, soooo, I guess I'll do it later. I was a witness to two (count 'em two) traffic accidents today. I'm fairly certain that no one was injured, but it just goes to show how careless people can be. Haha, I'm kinda dumb, know what I just did? I spelt careless as carless (I changed it) but then I laughed, because actually they probably are carless. Haha. Sorry, that was dumb and I'm kind of rambling. I have one person signed up for my summer club. The deadline to sign up is on Friday and I need ten people. HHhhh. Speaking of reading, this summer I am going to read the whole LOTR series, the whole Fearless series and the whole (at least what has come out yet) HP series (the HP one will be before July 15). That is very ambitous of me isin't it? Especially considering the Fearless series is 35+ books. One of my favorite teachers is not going to be teaching my senior year. :( Our last chance to go to State for One Act and she wont be directing either. Disappointed, I am. We are giving her a really cool going away gift though. I think I am going to go frizbee golfing tomorrow...that should be fun, especially after a long stressful last day of school. Hhhh. I should go, it seems I can talk quite a long time without really saying anything. I am sorry you just read all that randomness and if it was you Curt, put me in touch with Dan, I want to solve that cube!

Um, okay

I don't know what happened there. Sry. I deleted that last post so now I think things are better, but I don't know. I don't know what was wrong with that last post, but hopefully it is fixed.

Conformity

"There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide. " We are reading Emerson in a class that I am in, and I must say, he has some good ideas. I especially like the one about being original. It is such a good idea, and I wish more people went along with it. I wish I went along with it more. "Imitation is suicide." Ah, this is so true. When you are imitaing someone else, you are killing your own personality. I have a great example of this. I was at a program one time and these five girls were sitting in a line, with their legs crossed the same direction, the same shoes, the same hair style and practically the same close. It was like they were clones. I encourage you to be yourself. Don't worry about being different or getting laughed at. Be true to your values, even if people think your wrong or don't understand. Don't worry about being misunderstood. A lot of people were misunderstood. Some of them turned out to be pretty important to history and science and the world: Jesus, Newton, Galileo, Socartes. Even Emerson says "To be great is to be misunderstood." So be youself, be misunderstood, be great.

Moods and Rain

(sigh) I woke up at 7:28 this morning. I had to be to work at 7:30. Oops. Needless to say, I was a little late. I had a pretty good night last night. I went with a friend of mine out to someone's house for a party. We started a bon fire and burned a couch. It was fun. The flames got really really bright and big and it got so hot that we had to stand like twenty feet away. The plastic was melting. There weren't that many people there, because it was raining. Then my friend and I came back into town and met some other friends at a movie. It was a good move called Fever Pitch. I liked it , but I am partial to baseball so...Anyway, the real reason I am posting is to tell you about a theory I have. Well, not really a theory, just a thing. It's called I decided to go against the grain. Why do people wake up on a rainy day and say to themselves "Man, it is going to be a bad day."? I most certianly don't know. These same people wake up on sunny days and tell themselves it is going to be a good day. Well, I decided that if it is raining I am going to have a good day. Today is a really good day, because it is raining really hard. I love the rain. It is beautiful. I think I want to live in Seattle becaue it rains there a lot. Or maybe England. (sigh) I love it.

A great thing (so I'm told)

Well, I just shared with a couple of people in my Spanish class a little trick I picked up on the road to El Dorado. It's called CTRL + F = Find. Your welcome, beause I (apparently) just gave you an extra day of free life. Let me tell you how. If you do not know, that little trick is what you type in when your on a website and your looking for a specific part of the website. For example, if you are looking up stuff about the conquista de Columbia, and you are on a site about Colombia, you can type in that little trick and then type in a word your looking for and it will bring you right to the word on the site. *Note that on Macs the trick is OPEN APPLE + F =Find. Again, your welcome for giving you that extra time you will save from searching for the information you want.

uPdAtE

i JuSt ThOuGhT i'D gIvE yOu An UpDaTe. NoThInG iS rEaLlY nEw, ThOuGh. ExCePt, I aM rEaLlY bUsY, aS yOu CaN sEe. ThErE aRe SeVeRaL tHiNgS i CoUlD bE dOiNg... CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS iF yOu SoLvEd ThE cOdE. yOu WiLl HaVe An AdVaNtAgE tHe NeXt TiMe I pOsT iN cOdE. hApPy ApRiL fOoL's DaY. mY cLaSsMaTeS aNd I pLaYeD a FeW cLeVeR tRiCkS oN sOmE oF oUr TeAcHeRs. ThAt WaS kInDa FuN...gOoD bYe.

Posthumously Famous

I have recently (today) come to realize that a lot of people who are well known didn't become well known until after they had died. I know there is a huge list of them, i just can't think of them. I can think of Edgar Allan Poe, because I'm reading one of his stories. I'm afraid I can't recall anyone else though...I know there was an artist...Davinci maybe...or Van Gogh...I don't know. If you think of any leave me a post.

,.njrm. yr mf m.oo.e gl ncu.

FYI: CODED

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Cu frg ornk. ydco n.ak. m. a jrmm.byv

FYI: END

*IF YOU SOLVE THIS LEAVE ME A POST*

Tres Amigos y Esperanza

Here are a couple of random things that popped into my head today...and yesterday. I have three close friends. We're could be the Three Musketters. All for one and one for all, right? Speaking of....Audrey, if you do actually read this...SHOTGUN! Ha! Nah nah nah nah nah...I know I know, the rules...so it doesn't count, but still, how do you know I can see Kaia's car?

Anyway, my other random thought for the day has to do with a movie that us Tres Amigos watched a week ago. It is called The Mask of Zorro. I recommend you watch it. Dispite the poor casting, it is full of adventure and it's pretty funny, at least when you watch it with funny people. Though this appears to be a review of the movie, it is actually not. I, in fact, wanted to talk about a certain character who's name it Esperanza. I don't remeber who exactly that character is, though I know it was either Zorro's wife or his daughter. I love the name Esperanza. Do you know what it means? Hope. It's such a pretty name.