Prison, or something like it.

Pretty sure I can't stand confinement. I was watching something about jails and things, and I think I would die if I ever got locked up. God forbid (please, please, God, forbid) I was in a car crash and someone died, and I was convicted of manslaughter and sent away to a prison for a few years. (That actually happened to someone my family knows.) The thing about prison is, it isn't the atmosphere that scares me. I mean, granted, hard core criminals are scary, and I'm sure it would be violent and unpleasant, but the scariest thing for me is the walls. I would drive myself insane with claustrophobia. I can't decide if it would be better or worse for me to be able to see the sky. Worse probably, because it would only taunt me with something I can't have. "Na-na-na-na-na," it would say. "Look at the clouds. Look at how they freely wisp by. To bad you're not free. Haha." I can definitely see myself getting very very angry. When I feel trapped animal instincts kick in. I would fight. Probably to the death. I think that is a good reason for me never to go to jail. I don't see how that penalty doesn't scare people. It is enough for me not to commit serious crimes.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever feels the way I do. I try to look into people's souls through their eyes and I imagine what they are thinking about. I want to know if it is anything like what I think about. I hope it is, because I don't want to be the only one with thoughts like mine. I'm a terrible person. If you knew me you would hate me. I can be insanely jealous and spiteful. I think things about people that embarrass myself. My wicked sarcasm only makes me worse. If I am in a self destructive mood you wouldn't believe how far down I can get. Every time someone says something that is supposed to make me feel better my sarcastic wit fires back another insult to myself. It is horrible that I do that, but I do it. I did it today to my parents. I only said one thing out loud, though. Then I went on in my head. They don't need to know the way I am. Lately I've been so emotionally unstable that I surprise myself. There are bad days, like yesterday, and there are okay days like today. Mostly there aren't good days. I will usually find a way to make them bad. I'm like that, you see. Sometimes I just want to walk away from the world, to be free. I want to walk in the rain and I want to go away from everyone and be by myself. These walls feel confining. These rules hold me back. I hate myself sometimes. I hate who I've become, how I act. I hate that I don't feel connected to people. I hate that I know I disconnect myself. I hate that I feel so lonely, but all I want to do is be alone. I hate my cowardice. I hate my fear. When I cry, I don't know why. The tears just come. They don't stop. I'm crying now. There isn't a reason, except my emotional instability. I like it. I like the tears when no one is watching. They are like the rain. They fall. They fall like I fall sometimes. They escape. I don't. I'm trapped.

Here are some of the things I was thinking about during my Political Science class today. Have fun...They are very random.

• Ugh. The teacher is wearing a yellow shirt. I hate yellow.
• The collar on his ugly yellow shirt is messed up.
• Haha. He said people are stupid.
• Audrey thinks that too.
• Where did the phrase "rule of thumb" come from?
• Hey, that guy is typing on his laptop.
  
• I wonder if this room has wireless Internet.
• Ugh. Now we learn about Gerrymandering.
• That was a Knowledge Bowl questions yesterday.
• Did we get that right?
• That word reminds someone about money laundering.
  
• Was if Kaia?
• Maybe
• His collar is still messed up.
• Man, I'm tired.
• Oh, jeez. My stomach just growled. I hope no one heard that.
• The teacher sure says aught a lot.
• How do you spell aught? Is it a-u-g-h-t? Like taught?
• I think so.
  
• Hey, he just kicked someone out of class.
• Was it the boy with the computer?
  
• No, it was the girl next to him.
• I think she was on her cell phone.
  
• Note to self: no text messaging in this class.
• I wonder if he is going to give us out debate papers back.
• Is the representative for my area still Brad Finstad?
• How long has he been going?
• Do I work at 1 or 2 today?
• What about tomorrow?
  
  

A good day...for once....

It seems like it has been a long time since I really enjoyed a day. I continue to wait for that day, though today was not half bad. Admittedly, I was tired. It was also very cold, and I had to leave my house earlier than normal. I also had dull College Algebra tonight. For the record, I have a higher grade in that class than any of my high school classes. Three hours of listening to the teacher with a Master's degree in Math make mistakes on the board. Anyway, aside from, or inspite of those things, I had a relatively good day for no real reason. I woke up and there was barely any snow on the ground, after all, and that right there could have almost guaranteed a bad day. I think if was maybe because I didn't care as much today as I sometimes do. Plus I only had two classes. Seriously though, I'm really just procrastinating. I haven't started my homework yet. I have a chapter and a half to read by Saturday and I have to be to school by 6:45 tomorrow. Yuck...

Appearances are everything...

At least to a lot of people I know they are. Some of the people I know are so bad, they border on discrimination. I despise them a little for that. It goes back to the respect thing. They lose about all of their points. My mom had the audacity to say to me last night that if I did something it "wouldn't look good." Plus, both of my parents are so judgmental when it comes to other people. Ah. They drives me nuts. I wish they would stop looking at how things appear, and actually see them. I get so mad at people like that sometimes. Most of the people I know like that are old, unused to change, but I know quite a few people my age that are the same way, they are just a little more subtle in the way they say things. To all of you, you make me want to scream. Who cares what everyone thinks? Especially if the people who do judge me don't even know me. If they did, they wouldn't judge me. I want to do things...I want to go places...I want to meet people...If I don't care, if shouldn't matter to you...

Respect

I'm a pretty hard person to please. I have been thinking about this for a long time, and there aren't that many people that I really, truely respect. Respect is a meaningful thing to me. You have to earn it, I don't hand it out like candy. I'm a tough critic. My standards are high, but hard to define. I know them, and if you asked me if I respected someone, I could tell you with only a little hesitation, but I don't know if I could tell you on what critiria I judge. First of all, I know you have to be a person of morales, and intergrity. There are a lot of other things thought too. Actually, I don't even think in my eyes, I would deserve my own respect. Is it hypocritical to show someone respect, but not actually feel it? I try not to disrespect people, openly, unless I want them to know they are stupid, but many of the people I talk to and show respect to in my opinion don't deserve my it. Automatically people who are off my respect list are those that try to make others feel lower than themselves. Then there are people who think they know everything. Then, people who don't know anything. Also, those who are unwilling to trust someone, even though that person has given them no reason not to trust them. There is a bigger list, but I'm know you don't want to here it.

Turning Points

I think I'm at a bit of a cross roads in my life. I'm sort of caught in between two forces, and they are driving me away. I hate what it is doing to me, but in a way, I can see that it is good for me. When I figure out what I'm going to do, or whether I do anything at all, I know that I will be a better person. More mature, more confident. Better equipped to handle certain situations. I have come to a point in my life where I have to decide what is really important to me. It is a hard choice, trust me. It has a lot to do with things that won't matter in ten years, or probably even five years, so that is making the decision easier. I'm sure I will just ride out the storm, but in my heart, and my head, I will know what my decision is, and I will live by it.

Loyalty

I have to wonder sometimes, am I loyal to a group, or am I loyal to one person in the group, namely the leader. I know at work, as it turns out, I was definitely loyal to the leader, not the group as a whole, and I've noticed that with myself in other things too. If I like the leader, then I will like the group, but when the leader is gone, the group isn't that great anymore. Then again, there are some things, namely teams, that I will be loyal to whoever the leaders are. I guess I'm weird like that.