Looking people in the eye

I really like looking people in the eye, most of the time. It makes me feel connected to the other person. I hate it when you are trying to talk to someone and they are looking at million different things. I hate how I do this, sometimes. Like today, when I was having a conversation (which here means, just listening and never getting a word in edgewise) with someone about something that I knew that person thought was very important I had a hard time looking that person in the eye, because I was uncomfortable. I looked at the clock. I looked out the window once or twice. I checked behind me to see who was at the door. Anything to keep from looking the person in the eye and risk being intimidated. I was consciously doing it too. I had a little battle inside myself for a minute or so. "Don't look at the clock, don't do it. Stop it. Look at him. The clock isn't important. Pretend to listen. You already know what time it is. Stop! Grr. Are you happy? You looked at the clock. What did that accomplish? Nothing, that's what. Look at him." I finally just looked him in the eye and everything was fine. Sometimes, I have competitions with others, to see who will break eye contact first. It is my own competition, the other participant doesn't know they are playing. Like when my dad is speaking loudly at me I look him in the eye just to be defiant. That makes me feel good. He hates it, and I can tell. He wants to feel in control, and when I stare back at him, it takes his power. That is mean spirited, I know, but I can't help it. I like staring into people eyes for other reasons too though. Sometimes I can see what they are thinking. I notice a lot that young kids have an innocent twinkle in their eyes that older people tend not to have. The eye is the window to the soul, they say. I don't know if this is true, but I can see truth in it.