1.14.2006
Insane
I feel like I'm on the edge of insanity. I'm at a terrible place in my life. I don't like who I'm becoming. I feel like I'm falling. I just want to scream and run away. Get away. From everything. Everyone. I get so confused sometimes. My mind travels faster than I can keep up. What shows on the outside is only a small fraction of what I feel on the inside. When I smile, I know that it is fake. I'm not smiling. It doesn't reach my eyes. I hate that. I feel like there is something missing in my life. I need something. I know what it is. I just don't know how to get it. I know I have to talk to someone. I know I can't do it on my own. I'm driving myself mad. I want to scream, with rage, with fear, pleading.
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As I read that, I was thinking I could have written that, pretty much exactly. (I just don't share them with other people). I do not like who I am becoming, and most days all I want is to go to college and start over. I don't really call my state confused, however, just ready to move on. My smile never truly reaches my eyes (and sometimes even my face, which is why you have told me several times in the past month to "smile Kaia"). You say you know what is missing, but I don't. I just want change, I want out, and I want to start over. I guess this isn't very helpful to you, except to say that your not alone. I've been rather obsessive about the idea lately, not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I just hide it all inside. So, I don't know. Maybe it has to do with being a Senior, because I think Audrey said she's ready to move on too.
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