Things that make me think the world isn't as bad as I think it is

children
baseball
love stories
classic novels
cats
snowflakes
beautiful architecture
opera
rain
mountains
classical music
paintings
school supplies
tennis shoes
laughter
fireworks
sleepiness
flowers
sneezes
coffee
board games
jugglers
roller coasters
Fall
crickets
glasses
sunsets
gondolas
Sundays

This light of history is pitiless; it has this strange and divine quality that, all luminous as it is, and precisely because it is luminous, it often casts a shadow just where we saw a radiance; of the same man it makes two different phantoms, and the one attackes and punishes the other, and the darkness of the despot struggles with the splendour of the captain. Hence results a truer measure in the final judgement of the nations. Babylon violated lessens Alexander; Rome enslaved lessens Caesar; massacred Jerusalem lessends Titus. Tyranny follows the tyrant. It is woe to a man to leave behind him a shadow which has his form.

Victor Hugo

Procrastination at its greatest, my friends

A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays there are 313 days left. There are 50 days in the summer-too hot to work so there are only 263 days left. We sleep 8 hours a day, thats 122 days a year, so we're left with 141 days. If we just sat around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day, 30 days are used in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and left with 81 days. Exams/tests take up at least 35 days a year; hence only left with 46 days. Taking off approx 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick for a minimum of 3 days; that leaves 3 days in the year to study! Let's say you only go out 2 days. This means you are left with 1 day! And that 1 day is your birthday!

On Cemeteries and Teddy Bears

I'm a lot closer to my grandparents than a lot of people are. I have a reason. My mom was young, and a little stupid. I spent my first couple years tottering around their house. I was only in second grade when my grandpa died. I didn't know about death. I had barely even heard about it. I remember that I during the wake, when my mom and all the family were mourning, I was playing in the back with my cousins. We played hide and seek, around all the old sad people. We were young, we didn't know. Death has always scared me a little. I don't know why. I'm content with where I will be going when my life is done. The end of life just makes me so sad. We visited my grandpa's grave over the Easter weekend. Usually we clean up the grave stone, pick a few weeds, and then stand in silent prayer. I'm lucky if I can get to the prayer before I get choked up. I know I am sad for my grandpa, because I imagine how different my life and the lives of those closest to me would be different. I'm sure my uncle wouldn't have started drinking so much, and then he wouldn't have ended up in his situation. I remember once in school, in the elementary grades, one of my teachers mentioned something about her dad, who had died. I broke down. I just can't take death. When I stay at my grandma's house, I can't help but think how lonely she must get, how alone she must feel sometimes. When my grandpa was in the hospital, he had this teddy bear. It wasn't anything special. Just a brown bear. When I was younger I would always sleep with that bear. I remember my brother and I would fight over who got to sleep with it, and I always won, because I was older. I always felt comforted by that bear, like somehow there was part of my grandpa there. It has been years since we have fought over that silly bear. We've sort of passed it on. My younger cousins get to sleep with it now. They weren't even around when my grandpa was. I wonder if they feel the same thing as I do. I still sleep with that bear when I am staying at my grandma's house without any younger cousins. I still hold it tight, and I still feel comforted.

Sing me anything

Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate or
Loud and out of key
Sing me anything

Over the last few weeks there have been quite a few topics I have wanted to post about. It just so happens that I can't seem to get my thoughts organized enough to actually post them, so you are out of luck...or in luck, however you what to look at it. It also happens that a lot of the topics are too personal for me to actually have the nerve to post them, and that makes me want to start a blog that no one knows about, so I don't have to worry about their reactions.

Topics/Titles of posts that never were, though may eventually be:
On Cemeteries and Teddy Bears
Confidence is key
Courage
Betrayal
Living for yourself
Appearances

That is all for now...Thank you.

Things I want to read

***UPDATED***

Aeneid
Aesop's Fables
All Quite on the Western Front
The Art of War
The Bible
Brave New World
The Brothers Karamazov
Canterbury Tales
The Call of the Wild
Christmas Carol
The Constitution
The Count of Monte Cristo
Crime and Punishment
David Copperfield
The Death of Ivan Llych
The Declaration of Independence
Divine Comedy
Don Quixote
Fables
Gone with the Wind
The Good Earth
The Grapes of Wrath
Great Expectations
The Great Gatsby
Grimm's Fairy Tales
Gulliver's Travels
The House of Mirth
The House of Seven Gables
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Kidnapped
The Last of the Mohicans
Les Miserables
Metamorphosis
The Man in the Iron Mask
Moby Dick
The Old Man and the Sea
Oliver Twist
The Red Badge of Courage
Robinson Crusoe
The Scarlet Letter
The Complete works of Shakespear's:
Othello X
Hamlet X
King Lear X
Macbeth X
Richard III X
Sherlock Holmes
Silas Marner
A Tale of Two Cities
The Three Musketeers
Treasure Island X
Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea
Uncle Tom's Cabin
Utopia
Vanity Fair
War and Peace
The War of the Worlds
Wuthering Heights

ha Ha!

I knew winter wasn't over yet! Take that nay sayers. I don't care if it only lasts a day or so, the snow is here.

Prison, or something like it.

Pretty sure I can't stand confinement. I was watching something about jails and things, and I think I would die if I ever got locked up. God forbid (please, please, God, forbid) I was in a car crash and someone died, and I was convicted of manslaughter and sent away to a prison for a few years. (That actually happened to someone my family knows.) The thing about prison is, it isn't the atmosphere that scares me. I mean, granted, hard core criminals are scary, and I'm sure it would be violent and unpleasant, but the scariest thing for me is the walls. I would drive myself insane with claustrophobia. I can't decide if it would be better or worse for me to be able to see the sky. Worse probably, because it would only taunt me with something I can't have. "Na-na-na-na-na," it would say. "Look at the clouds. Look at how they freely wisp by. To bad you're not free. Haha." I can definitely see myself getting very very angry. When I feel trapped animal instincts kick in. I would fight. Probably to the death. I think that is a good reason for me never to go to jail. I don't see how that penalty doesn't scare people. It is enough for me not to commit serious crimes.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever feels the way I do. I try to look into people's souls through their eyes and I imagine what they are thinking about. I want to know if it is anything like what I think about. I hope it is, because I don't want to be the only one with thoughts like mine. I'm a terrible person. If you knew me you would hate me. I can be insanely jealous and spiteful. I think things about people that embarrass myself. My wicked sarcasm only makes me worse. If I am in a self destructive mood you wouldn't believe how far down I can get. Every time someone says something that is supposed to make me feel better my sarcastic wit fires back another insult to myself. It is horrible that I do that, but I do it. I did it today to my parents. I only said one thing out loud, though. Then I went on in my head. They don't need to know the way I am. Lately I've been so emotionally unstable that I surprise myself. There are bad days, like yesterday, and there are okay days like today. Mostly there aren't good days. I will usually find a way to make them bad. I'm like that, you see. Sometimes I just want to walk away from the world, to be free. I want to walk in the rain and I want to go away from everyone and be by myself. These walls feel confining. These rules hold me back. I hate myself sometimes. I hate who I've become, how I act. I hate that I don't feel connected to people. I hate that I know I disconnect myself. I hate that I feel so lonely, but all I want to do is be alone. I hate my cowardice. I hate my fear. When I cry, I don't know why. The tears just come. They don't stop. I'm crying now. There isn't a reason, except my emotional instability. I like it. I like the tears when no one is watching. They are like the rain. They fall. They fall like I fall sometimes. They escape. I don't. I'm trapped.

Here are some of the things I was thinking about during my Political Science class today. Have fun...They are very random.

• Ugh. The teacher is wearing a yellow shirt. I hate yellow.
• The collar on his ugly yellow shirt is messed up.
• Haha. He said people are stupid.
• Audrey thinks that too.
• Where did the phrase "rule of thumb" come from?
• Hey, that guy is typing on his laptop.
  
• I wonder if this room has wireless Internet.
• Ugh. Now we learn about Gerrymandering.
• That was a Knowledge Bowl questions yesterday.
• Did we get that right?
• That word reminds someone about money laundering.
  
• Was if Kaia?
• Maybe
• His collar is still messed up.
• Man, I'm tired.
• Oh, jeez. My stomach just growled. I hope no one heard that.
• The teacher sure says aught a lot.
• How do you spell aught? Is it a-u-g-h-t? Like taught?
• I think so.
  
• Hey, he just kicked someone out of class.
• Was it the boy with the computer?
  
• No, it was the girl next to him.
• I think she was on her cell phone.
  
• Note to self: no text messaging in this class.
• I wonder if he is going to give us out debate papers back.
• Is the representative for my area still Brad Finstad?
• How long has he been going?
• Do I work at 1 or 2 today?
• What about tomorrow?