On Cemeteries and Teddy Bears

I'm a lot closer to my grandparents than a lot of people are. I have a reason. My mom was young, and a little stupid. I spent my first couple years tottering around their house. I was only in second grade when my grandpa died. I didn't know about death. I had barely even heard about it. I remember that I during the wake, when my mom and all the family were mourning, I was playing in the back with my cousins. We played hide and seek, around all the old sad people. We were young, we didn't know. Death has always scared me a little. I don't know why. I'm content with where I will be going when my life is done. The end of life just makes me so sad. We visited my grandpa's grave over the Easter weekend. Usually we clean up the grave stone, pick a few weeds, and then stand in silent prayer. I'm lucky if I can get to the prayer before I get choked up. I know I am sad for my grandpa, because I imagine how different my life and the lives of those closest to me would be different. I'm sure my uncle wouldn't have started drinking so much, and then he wouldn't have ended up in his situation. I remember once in school, in the elementary grades, one of my teachers mentioned something about her dad, who had died. I broke down. I just can't take death. When I stay at my grandma's house, I can't help but think how lonely she must get, how alone she must feel sometimes. When my grandpa was in the hospital, he had this teddy bear. It wasn't anything special. Just a brown bear. When I was younger I would always sleep with that bear. I remember my brother and I would fight over who got to sleep with it, and I always won, because I was older. I always felt comforted by that bear, like somehow there was part of my grandpa there. It has been years since we have fought over that silly bear. We've sort of passed it on. My younger cousins get to sleep with it now. They weren't even around when my grandpa was. I wonder if they feel the same thing as I do. I still sleep with that bear when I am staying at my grandma's house without any younger cousins. I still hold it tight, and I still feel comforted.