Hhhhhhhh...

I don't know what had gotten into me. I am really over emotional and it is annoying. Right now, even, I just kind of want to cry. I'm sure it is because I am a little sick and over tired, because I know it isn't because it is that time of the month. It is probabaly built up stress too, even though I barely know why. My stupid grades, probabaly. I want so much to do well my last year, and right now I am not. And I have a Physics test tomorrow, yipee. I wish I had a competent teacher. Then there is my Gold Award. I know I don't really have the right to complain, especially to those of you who have problems with yours, but I am going to any way because I am human and I want to vent. I just want it to be over. I know I got the 2/3 approval, but come on people, seriously, do you know how hard I worked on that? I poured blood, sweat, and tears into that stupid thing and all I get is 2/3 approval!!! Who are you, Nazis? You want minute details! Like my mom said when she read it: "What a crook of shit." Of coarse it was said in the nicest way. And who can say college pressure? Scholarships, anyone? It helped, I suppose, that I just beat Minesweeper Expert again, but it only helped a little because I missed beating my high score by over a minute.

On changing perspectives

It is amazing how quickly and drastically my outlook on life changed. I am the first to admit that I sometimes beleive things I shouldn't, especially it there is a little bit of proof. For example, I woke up at about 2:30 on Friday night to the sound of my radio. I listen to my radio at night if I need to get up on time the next morning because I find that if I have something to concentrate on (such as the sound) I will stay awake, instead of falling back asleep and being late. So, anyway, what I woke up listening to was two guys talking about the end of the world. It was an interview with a guy who wrote some books about it. They were discussing the signs that the apocolypse is coming, especially noting the things going on in Isreal right now. I won't get into details, mostly because I can't remember them, but I was really scared. I, of coarse, will take into consideration that I was alone because my family was out of town and I was under considerable stress. I found that I was a lot less scared in the morning, in the light. But, considering recent events, and the shape of the world these day, I don't find it hard to beleive the end of the world is coming. If you live your life thinking this, it can really mess you up. These guys were talking about the seeven years of tribulation being just around the corner. Think about that. Seriously, why do anything? College, yeah okay, sure, but why? My knowledge will be useless. I guess I might as well, though, because if I build up a lot of debt, I won't have to pay it back. This realization really made me think. For a second i was mad at God. I don't want to die. I'm scared. But I also don't wan't to live in fear of the next disaster. I want to raise kids in a good place. I want to have a nice life. Thinking these things really made me scared. What if what I believe is wrong? Or what if it is right and I am living a bad life? What if I don't make the cut and am stuck in a living hell?

If Everone Cared

Nickelback - If Everyone Cared

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I'm alive

[CHORUS]
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singing

Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen I'm alive
Singing Amen I'm alive

[CHORUS (X2)]

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died

A soldier on my mind

I know, two in one day, what can I say. There is just this guy on my mind. When I walked into church this morning with my brother, we went to the same general area where we usually sit, then we picked the pew with the most room left in it, so as not to be squished next to someone unpleasant. It just so happens that we sat down to this guy who looked vaguely familiar. This is not the see-him-in-church-every-week familiarity though. Actually I am pretty sure he came into Larkspur with a buddy of his a couple times over the summer for lunch. They came in their National Guard uniforms. Anyway, even if it wasn't the same guy, I know he was in the Guards, or some kind of military. You can always tell because they are the only ones who wear their hair that short. No one does that voluntarily. He was also wearing dog tags, and he had a really strong grip. So, after Communion, when everyone is reflecting, I noticed he was really into his prayer, and that is when it dawned on me, really. I'm sure that he (if in fact he is a soldier, because I am not 100 percent sure) if being deployed to Iraq in a bit. I can't even begin to guess what someone in his shoes is feeling. I would be so scared. The whole time I would be thinking about how I might not be coming home again, how I may not see my family once more, how the last thing I see before I die could be desert and sand, instead of beautiful trees and lakes. I couldn't do it. I admire those who can. I admire their strength, their security, their faith. I look up to them, wish I had what it took.

A slight change in circumstances

Have you ever thought what life would be life if only one little part of it changes dramatically? I have been thinking about this for no apartent reason, over the last couple of days. It is mostly in a humorus way: I was thinking how different the TV show Lost would be if, instead of having the fotune of crashing on a beautiful tropical island, the crashed in the middle of the Sahara Desert, or on a vast moving mass of ice somewhere of the coast of Northern Canada. That sure would have changed things for them, huh? But it is only really one change: the location of the crash. One can argue that it in fact a series of changes, but mostly they are the result of a very large change. I wonder how my life would be different if something possibly insignifigant changed dramaticaly. Or, what if something did change dramaticaly, and what I am living now is a result of that change?

Sorry that I can not continue this amazingly thought provoking post, but I am on the computer in the front of the Larkspur, taking over for the lady who works up here because she is on break. I have to get back to work in a mintue.

Espresso, Moods, Rain and Randomalities.

On Seniority: I know, again, but different this time.

Alright, the first part is the same. I love being a Senior because you can say things like "Yeah, that would look weird, but who cares? We are Seniors, we can do whatever we want." and things like "Come on, Mom. It is my Senior year." It is all in good fun of coarse. However, I did realize today that I do not like the personalities of some of the Seniors, for example my "friends." I find that they lost interest in the things that used to be fun. I know a few Seniors who I barely ever see smile and who have gotten really cliquey and gossipy and all around not nice people. I deffinalty liked them better when they were younger.

On Petitions: One in particular I will not support.
There is a girl at my school who, for lack of all appropriate words, I will say is not a nice person. Though I don't have all the facts first hand, I can gather most of the story. She had the audacity to think she was voted onto Homecoming court. She was ineligible of coarse because of some violation or another, I believe it was smoking of school ground. First of all, hello?!!!! How dumb can you be?!!! But here is the thing, not only is she mad about the rule that says she, or anyone who has a Minor Consumption/DWI/etc. charge, can't get onto the court, but she is taking it a step further and actually petitioning the rule. Really, I am all for the freedom of speech and whatnot, but people just need to know when to quit. For one, she is a student, standing up against adults. For two, she isn't a very good student, and people know that (when I say that I mean nice, trustworthy, easygoing, etc. Not to do with grades). For three, is she really trying to defend her studipity. Smoking is illegal for someone her age, at least it was when she got caught, and on school ground? Come on.

On Espresso:Like no other caffeine.

Man, it hypes me up. Just one shot of espresso and I am good to go for hours. It is becoming sort of an addiction. And actually, thanks to Psychology 101, probably a bit of a placebo. Oh, well.

On Moods: Contagious.

Have you ever noticed how if someone you are around a lot is in a bit of a bad mood, you kind of are too? What is with that?

On Sports: An old end, a new begining.

Well, the Twins are done for another season. They ended early this year, but to be completely honest, as much as I wanted them to make it to the playoffs, they would have been killed. Annihilated. They didn't even really deserve the playoffs. Now, Cleveland, they fought back hard there at the end. I wouldn't have minded see them there. I'm cheering for the Sox though, this time around. (Uh, that's Chicago, not Boston. Go AJ!) But, as one season ends, another begins. The Wild open up their season tomorrow, and I am excited! I know some people are boycotting the hockey season because of the lock out, but I am not some people.

On Quitters: The jerks.

I am going to be incredibly hypocritical here, but oh well. I really hate jealousy. If I could get rid of one human emotion, without really thinking about it, that would be it. If causes so much tension. Here is the deal. Some people are quitting my school play because they didn't get the part they wanted. The worst part is though, that some people in the play are mad at the people who got the role that they wanted. I can understand that they are mad that they didn't get the part they wanted, but to be mad at the person who got the part is not cool, especially since they didn't really do anything wrong. Jealousy is keeping them from being happy for their friends.

On Rain: ahhhhhh....

I love the rain!!! Especially when it pours!

On Pampering: another sigh.
Man alive! I just had a profesional massage because my mom got invited to this shopping thing at Lambrecht's. Ahhhhhh. Was it nice! I was kind of laughing during it, because it felt so good that is sort of tickled, but man. I want to do that again.

On Darkness: wierd?

I like the dark. I was typing in the dark, until I started to get a headache. I do a lot in the dark. Climb stairs, find things, shower, sit, listen, talk. I find it soothing and a little refreshing. Sometimes I just close my eyes and pretend it is dark. I imagine the sky, too. The stars, the lights, the moon, the planets...