Time passes, I guess.

I am reading a book that was published in 2001 for a paper I'm writing for one of my classes. As I read the about the studies they cite that were preformed in 1998, I feel like this source is getting to be a little dated. In 1998, I was, like, 10. Weird. I remember when it was the requirement for "current" sources had be be 2000 or later.

On memory

I forget people's faces. I can sometimes remember things that they did. I remember things they say. But when I think about them, sometimes I just can't remember what they look like.

Relax. I'm not talking about any of you who read this. I'm talking about people I haven't seen in years. My grandpa, for example, died several years ago. It seems like I remember him, but I don't think I do. I remember the way he looks in pictures. I remember things that my family tell me he did. But I don't think I actually remember him. I try, but I just don't think I do. This could be explained by age, probably, and time. I was only like 8 when he died, and that was over ten years ago.

But it can't all me explained by that. It has only been a couple years since I've seen Sydni, and I was at a reasonable age for forming memories, so that can't be the issue. My lapses in memory are not quite as bad in this situation. I can remember things that we did together, a couple things specifically, but mostly I remember things generally, like I remember that she was with me when I did something. That said though, I can't remember her face. Inevitably, my mind goes through all of the memories I have of her, and they land on pictures. I remember her face in pictures, but I don't remember her actual face. I don't know where she is now, or what she is doing, what she's like. I try to think of her, imagine her, but she is always faceless. And I can't do anything about it.

If things were always literal

One of my professors said this, and I don't know why, but I couldn't help but interpret it in a literal sense. And then I was like "...wait...what?"

"Let me throw a question at you."

Yeah. Me too.

Things that generally annoy me

1. Being able to hear people talking, but not able to understand what they are saying. I would rather not hear anything then hear nothing but random exclamations and tone changes.

2. 8 a.m.

3. People who wash their dirty dishes over the top of my clean ones...when they are obviously clean, and when there is an empty sink right next to the full one, and when I am sitting at the table eating my meal, clearly intent on drying and putting away the dishes when I am done.

3. Inefficiency.

4. Snide, pointed comments. Just come out and say it, do not pretend you are being sneaky and subtle. You are being mean.

5. Really loud TV (see number 1)

6. People who say "Lets meet tomorrow at four to work on our project" and then text me at 5 and say "Oh, can we meet tomorrow instead."

Optimism

I've been told I'm not a very optimistic person. In fact, people have down right called me a pessimist. I have never really seen myself as a "glass half empty" kind of person, but I suppose that is really because my thoughts are rather neutral when it comes to things like how full a beverage container is. I suppose that that this image I seem to have may come from my semi-dark thoughts. I try not to get my hopes up about things, especially things that have high returns, that way, if things don't work out, I'm not disappointed. I don't even know why my mind works like this. It isn't like some of those love stories around, where people are afraid to fall in love because they don't want to have their heart broken again. AGAIN. I can't remember ever being so disappointed that I'm unwilling to do something, so doesn't seem to be the reason for my pessimism. As I write this, I am thinking of my parents, and I just decided that my pessimism must be inherited. Especially my mom and grandma. I grew up hearing things like "Life's not perfect," "not everyone gets to do what they want for a living," and "I think you should start being realistic about your goals." Nothing says "work hard, strive for your best, push yourself" then someone telling you to set goals that you can actually achieve. Looking at things this way, I can be pretty certain that's where all this negativism came from.

That being said, I am trying to be optimistic about the president-elect. I admit, I did not cast a ballot for him. A lot of his ideas and plans are so radical they scare me, and I'm surprised that so many people, educated people even, seemed to over look these things. And here is a case of my pessimism for the country. I am afraid that people have such high expectations for the man, that there is no way he can meet them. America can only be disappointed this way. But, seriously, I will try to keep an open mind about him. People should stand behind their leader, no matter who it is.

Ways my day could have been worse

I could have discovered that in addition to having a cracked LCD screen on my mp3 player, I could also have lost 8GB of music on it.

My clothes could have turned ENTIRELY pink owing to the the damn red piece of paper in my pocket in the washing machine, instead of just partially.

Okay seriously, now what do I do?

I took this fairly extensive test, though obviously not fool proof. It was about who I am closest related to, ideologically. I took it because I don't know who to vote for, or even if I should vote. I know, I know. There are a ton of reasons to vote. Our generation is under represented, we need to be heard, etc. etc. I just don't want to vote for someone I don't support. I don't want to pick the lesser of two evils, and I don't think I should have to.

The results of the test are as follows:
Cynthia McKinney (Green Party) 67.74% match
Ralph Nader (Independent) - 67.74% match
Bob Barr (Libertarian) - 66.13% match
Chuck Baldwin (Constitution) - 58.06% match
Barack Obama (Democrat) - 38.71% match
John McCain (Republican) - 22.58% match

Isn't it convenient that the candidates I am most compatible with I have barely heard of, and have pretty much no chance of winning the election? If I voted for any of them, I would be throwing away my vote,essentially. I would rather just cast a blank ballot, a dissenting vote. It would be like voting "no" to my choices.

People Like Me

Conversations I've had recently.
Un-imagined. Un-exaggerated. Un-real. Really.

Sam: I usually buy my jeans from Maurices. I like the way they fit there...
Other: *snort* That's too rich for my blood.
Sam: *debates continuing conversation, sensing the direction it is headed* They are only like $30...
Other: Like I said. Too rich for me. I just don't get people who spend that much money on the same clothes that they could buy for under half that at Kohl's.
Sam: *places imaginary gun to temple*
Other: They look just as good coming from there.
Sam: Yeah...I don't know...I have a style...
Other: I just don't know how people can be so stupid.
Sam: *pulls imaginary trigger*

********

Other: (after telling me education department horror stories) Yeah, you really have to be dedicated to teaching to make it through the ed department. For example, I don't want to teach Econ, but I want to teach so I will.
Sam: Yeah, I think I have more of a loyalty to teaching English as a second language than to teaching...
Other: Well, everyone in the ed department would perfer you didn't even try to get through then. People like you bring the entire education system down, and your type are the kinds of teachers that don't change their lesson plans for ten years and never cater to kids with disabilities, etc.
Sam: *unable to formulate words*
Other: No offense...but you probably couldn't even get through the system anyway...

********

In Spanish (translated for easier reading. You are welcome.)

(context: classmate is enraged that the voting percentage in Spain is about 70% while in the US it is about 30%)

Sam: *playing Devil's advocate* I'm just saying, some people might not vote because they don't think it matters that much.
Other: I hate people like that. I just don't get it!
Sam: This is particularly true for presidential elections if you think about it. Technically they president is elected by the electoral college...
Other: *becoming more enraged by the minute, raises voice slightly* That is such a terrible argument!
Sam: Why? There was a candadate who won the popular vote and lost the electoral college, and look who became president because of that...

*conversation continues in this manner until the class ends, one participant defending the rights of non-voters, one, decidedly not.*

In English (on the way out of the classroom)

(please note: in the following conversation, the word "talk" is tone indicative of the word "speak.")

Sam: *walking 4 steps behind* I hope you aren't mad at me. I do vote. I was just saying...
Other: *not turning to look at me, angrily* I'm not mad. It is just that people like you shouldn't talk.
Sam: *nearly falls* ...


********

An hour later

Sam: *retells above story* And then she told me that people like me shouldn't talk. Like we shouldn't speak...like ever...
Other: *not joking* Yeah...she has a point...
Sam: ...
Other: She could have put it more delecatly, but I know what she means.
Sam: *with every shread of dignity she can muster in her broken state* You know the great thing about living in a democracy is that we have the right not to vote too...
Other: *raising voice slightly* People who think that are idiots.
Sam: *crawls in hole. is never seen again*

********

I wonder if people who say things that begin with "people like me" and are essentially about me think they are only insulting "people like" me, and not actually me...

About how growing old scares me

I have irrational fears I know, but I can't help it. Growing old terrifies me. I was reading Love in the Time of Cholera and I'm not sure what I was supposed to get out of the book but mostly I remember it confirming everything that scares me about age. I mean to say that I do understand that the book is about how love is persistant and resilient and people can love more than one person without being disloyal and how love is still present at all ages. I get that. I'm just saying that I took from the book every thing that is described with the coming of age. Senility, stumbling, suffering, a certain smell (I actually am sorry about that alliteration). I don't understand why I fear things that are for the most part inevitable. I have a preoccupation with death too which is more ineveitable than old age, I suppose, since there is always the possiblity of death before old age, but that is something else intirely. A lot of people grow old, and I know it brings wisdom and hindsight and all this possitive stuff, but I watch old people and what I see is time. I see it in the shaking of their hands, their confused looks, their shuffled steps, and I want to cry, because I'm terrified of when that will be me. I am sure it stems back to my ultimate fear of uncertainty, but again, I can't help it. When I see old people I try to imagine them as they were when they were younger and full of life. I hope they experienced amazing things and don't have any regrets, and I think that is why I'm living my life like I am, so I can have something to look back at. I don't know if this sounds selfish or cruel, but I want my life to be more than just raising my kids. Don't get me wrong, I really want to raise kids, it is just that I think I also want more. I don't know. When I talk, I just seem to confuse myself more.

*apologies to Hayley, who will end up reading this again in close to 3 weeks*

Small world after all?

I am officially seperated by four degrees to The Clash. I was where my Clash tshirt yesterday and at supper Jaime asked me if I was just wearing the shirt, or if I actually knew about the Clash. I scoffed and said they were my favorite band, and he said he had a friend who was in a band, and knew the drummer from the Clash because he spent some time in Granada. (See songs "Spanish Bombs," "Should I Stay or Should I go" and more.) But yeah, anyway, how cool is that?