It's funny, when I'm angry I drive faster. All I want to do is be away from people as long as I can and all I do is bring myself closer to them faster. I can't believe my mom. She thinks I'm some stupid teenager destined to make the same mistakes she did when she was my age. I just want to scream, "Mom! I'm not you! I have morals. I'm not stupid," in a very accusing tone. I would, but it would be sure to offend her, and I would be sure to be grounded. She doesn't even know me. Maybe I don't want to talk to her. Maybe the things I'm thinking are too personal for her to know. When I just stare into space and blink back tears, she asks me why I'm so upset and I just want to tell her to leave me alone but she won't. I'm so angry. My stomach is upset. My head hurts. My eyes burn with tears. Grrr.

I opened a real book today for the first time in quite a while, and I don't mean a text book, or anything like that. I mean a book that was just for enjoyment. It was exhilarating. I forgot how much I love reading. For the few hours it took me to read it, I was free. It provided a welcomed distraction from my confused, broken, overwhelming thoughts. I fell into the story, became part of it. I lived through the characters. I learned. The message was profound. Meaningful. I feel enlightened. I have the courage to make my decisions. If only I can muster the courage to fulfill them. Carpe Diem.

We are the music makers
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lonely sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;
World losers and world forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world, forever, it seems.
With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up with world's great cities,
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion an empire's glory:
One man with a dream, at pleasure
Shall go forth and conquer a crown;
And three with a new song's measure
Can trample an empire down.
We in the ages lying,
In the buried past of the earth,
Built Nineveh with our sighing,
And Babel itself with out mirth.
And o'erthrew them with prophesying
To the old on the new world's worth;
For each age is a dream that is dying,
Or one that is coming to birth.

-Arthur O'Shaunghnessy

When I woke up this morning, I was fuming. I was so angry. I don't even know why. Whatever I was dreaming before I awoke thought, must have really pissed me off. I'm better now, but still not in the best of moods. I wish I could remember what that dream was about.

I'm pretty much staring at my computer screen trying to think of how to word what I'm feeling. I'm so confused. I don't even know if I am feeling. And if I am, maybe I don't even know what they are. Argh. I think my thoughts are catching up to me. What should I do? Should I do nothing, and let my thoughts slowly drive me insane? Or should I risk judgment and lose?

Do you believe in signs? Like from a higher being? I think I do, but I'm afraid to. Should I follow what my heart says, or should I listen to my mind? The signs say my heart. They say go for it, God will guide you. But I'm scared.

The begining of this week has been a mind clearing existance for me. My "poetic" release has done something to organize my thoughts. I am feeling slightly less angry and vengeful, though no less unresponsive to certain people. I think I have just come to realize certain things that I value more in my life, certain people, certain memories. I am subtly detaching myself from things that only seem to make my angry. I feel better already.

I'm driving just to clear my mind. Driving forever in the darkness. The music plays sad songs in the backround but I hear nothing but the words in my head. I drive, Away from my pain, From my fears. I turn inside of myself, To hide my feelings, To put up a front. I'm so anrgy, so confused. I don't know what to do. I have never felt like this before. My thoughts are going crazy. I can't stand it. I drive on, away. I fight against tears, but I loose. I loose. I just want to hide. To stay away forever. I want to scream. I stop. I breath. I walk away. I walk in the cold and listen to the sound of my footsteps. I think about the cold, and how it makes me feel. I can almost think straight. I try to be as quiet as I can, silent. I notice nothing, not the wind, not the moon, nothing. I've turned inside myself agian and the world seems duller, less nice. I hate this. I'm so confused. I just walk, slowly down the street in the dark... away... away from my pain. I detach myself from my life. I stare into space. I smile when I need to. I say thank you when I have to. I don't remember anything. I'm lost. I can't think straight. I don't know what to do.

I'm scared...

Don't preach to me about type casting, and then tell me she should have gotten the part because she looked it. And don't be so condecending about it. It isn't my fault. You wouldn't have thought twice if it were someone else directing. I can only do so much, you know. And he was already on my back for favoring my friends for roles over other people. Don't act like you know how it works, because you don't. I don't care if people are mad. Let them be mad. It isn't my fault. Everyone can't have everything they want in life. The ice has to break somewhere.

Christmas Spirit

I love Christmas. It is a combination of many good things. Good food, good weather, mostly happy people...I just like it. I like what it stands for at least (not so much the materialism involved now). But, I must admit that I am just not getting into the holiday. It is only two short weeks away. I know it is my own fault to, because I am so darn busy, but still. I suppose I will have to try a bit harder. Perhaps have a party, and decorate my basement. As a matter of fact, I think, if I finish writing that speech, I will decorate, right tonight. Maybe I will decorate and listen to some Carol of the Bells on repeat. That would be fun. I'm sure it would put me into the spirit much more that the lame attempt the school tried with the cumbersome Christmas trees in the entry way. I know they were trying for the gorgeous HP look, but it just turned out cheesy. Oh well. Ho ho ho.

Yellow

I really don't like that color. In fact, it would be safe to say I hate it. I don't even really know why. I just don't like it. There isn't really andything wrong with it, except it's ugliness. A lot of good things are yellow too. The sun, for one. I like the sun, mostly. I guess I would classify that as more of a orange yellow though. But what about bananas? Bananas are good. They are definatly yellow, so no explaining away that one. And who ever came up with yellow paper? Seriously, that was dumb. What is wrong with white? I like it just fine. Anyway, I have to do my homework. I will keep away from the yellow.