The thing about me is I'm a big dreamer. I get ideas and I let them transform my mind. I have set goals for myself, and I tell my mom, but she says they are unrealistic, and I fall silent, until one day, when my dreams become actions and change the world. I'm sorry that my mom was pushed into the "real world" when she was still a kid. I'm sorry that she didn't have a chance to go to school, or to follow the dreams that she must have had, once. I'm sorry she hates her job but is too content or scared to change her life. But it isn't my fault. I hate how she suppresses me, and I know she doesn't get it. She doesn't understand what it is like to have big goals and a drive to pursue them, or maybe she just never had big goals. Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be content. Maybe that is what my mom is, content just to be, to have no need or desire to do something important. What is important really? It is relative to each person, I suppose, so maybe what my mom is doing is important to her, and that is fine, but it isn't good enough for me, and she won't be able to make it good enough. I used to tell her everything, but now, we are too different. If I mention anything about traveling around for extended periods of time, her response is almost always disapproving. Knowledge of other cultures, increased worldly understanding, compassion, beauty, these things aren't what she thinks about. I feel like she is almost bitter because she doesn't have the opportunity and passion that I have. In my head, I push against everything that holds me back, I fight.When I'm actually confronted, even if what is said is just to be funny, I smile politely but say nothing. You can't bottle up my dreams, my goals. If I want to make a difference in the world, if I want to be part of a cause, of chaos, of compassion, if I want to reject the redundancy of everyday life, I will. If I want to witness humanity, I won't let you stop me, and you won't be able to. I hope that my ambition will not harm our relationship, and I will work hard to keep it at least as strong as it is now, but I can't tolerate your continuous insistence that I am making a mistake. Maybe I am, but then, let me. I can only learn so much from the mistakes of others.
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2 comments:
i wrote you this really awesome long comment...and then there was an error.
i like "you can't bottle up my dreams." and i agree with the points you've made 100%.
I know what you mean, Sam. My parents were talking to someone who asked about me and when he found out where I was and the travelling I was getting to do afterwards, he was surprised that someone from my background would have the ability to do that. The means or desire or whatever. You are you, you do what you want. Good for you.
-Audrey
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