Lyrics that have been running through my head this week at work in reverse order

The-e-e- whole universe was in a hot dense state and nearly 14 million year ago expansion happened. Wait!...*things of tune but forgets lyrics*...snakes began to cral...Neanderthals...the pyramids the history unraveling the mystery that all started with the big bang

Larry climbs into his lawn chair, waves her goodbye, Unties from the post, races towards the sky, Takes a sip out of his beer and says it looks amazing

Now, I've walked through hell for you...What's an adventurer to do but rest these feet...at home...with you

Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance and vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs, you know nothing about art or sex that you couldn’t read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine (Prototypical non-conformist!)You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo. You adhere to a set of standards and tastes that appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit) giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art.(Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern).You’re diving face forward into a antiquated past. It’s disgusting, it's offensive, don’t stick your nose up at me....You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends pontificating to each other forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory in which you hog the intellectual spotlight holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation(Oh, we’re not worthy)When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people, you chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff. It's the same superiority complex
shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell and makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma you spend every moment of your waking life bitching about...

A very merry Christmas...and a happy ne-e-w year, lets hope its a good one....without any fear...War is over if you want it...war is over if you want it...

Mother Superior jump the gun. Mother Superior jump the gun. Happiness is a warm gun, happiness is a warm gun...I feel my finger on your trigger...I know nobody can do me no harm...Because happiness is a warm gun, happiness is a warm gun...

Billy, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your life. Billy, don't be a hero, come back and make me your wife, and as he started to go she said, Billy, keep your head low, Billy, don't be a hero, come back to me...

There must be something we can eat, maybe find another lover. Should I fly to Los Angeles, find my asshole brother...Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow...Dave's on sale again. We kissy kiss in the rear view. We're so bored, you're to blame...

If you can play on the fiddle,hows about a British jig and reel? Speaking King's English in quotations, as railhead towns feel the steel mills rust...water froze...in the generation...Clear as winter ice, this is your paradise...There ain't no need for ya, go straight to hell boys...

Imagined conversations with people I haven't met.

Self: I really admire you for not crossing the picket lines...
Steve Carell: Thank you.

Self: Hey you're [Big Name] from [team, show, movie, band]
Famous Person: Why, yes, I am. Would you like my autograph?
Self: (long awkward pause, consider person) Would you like mine?

Self: Wow. You look exactly like I imagined you would.
A ghost (young, pretty, transparent but with pale color, kind of wispy): *stares*
Self: Can't you talk?
Ghost: *head shake*
Self: That sucks.
Ghost: *eye roll and brow raise that says "tell me about it."*
Self: *understanding nod and sympathetic smile*
Awkward silence...
Ghost: Boo!
Self: *jumps out of skin*
Self: Oh, hahaha
Self: *Inhales deeply and blows ghost away*

Edward Norton: What is your favorite role that I have played?
Self: Well, I really can't say...I haven't seen everything that you have been in.
Ed: Oh, I see. You are a very fair judger.
Self: Thank you.
Ed: Of what you HAVE seen, what is your favorite character?
Self: *pretends to ponder* The narrator from Fight Club.
Ed, incredulously: Really?
Self: Yep.
Ed: Why?
Self: I don't know. He is witty, sarcastic, clever, insane. It is a nice package. You play it well.
Ed: Hmph. Well, what is your favorite line that I say in the film.
Self: Well, I really like when you say "I'd like to thank the Academy." It cracks me up, every time. I also like all the Jack lines...
Brad: Hey! What is your favorite line that I say in the movie.
Self: "Oh, I get it."
Brad: Get what?
Self: No, that is my favorite line of yours.
Brad: What? I don't even remember saying that.
Self: It is in the beginning, when you and the narrator first meet. It is actually one of your only line that I remember clearly.
Brad: Oh. I can see I made a strong impression on you. Well, why do you like it?
Self: I don't know. I just like the way you say it.
Brad: Is Tyler your favorite character that I have played?
Self: No.
Brad: *waits*
Self: *Offers nothing*
Brad: Who is?
Self: I have never really thought about it, I guess. Nothing really sticks out.
Brad: That hurts.
Self: I'm sorry.

As you can see, I get bored at work and I have nothing but my mind to occupy me. More to come, probably.

So I had just been reading this book by García Márquez, and I read one line, an unimportant line, random, not even worth the memory, save for one thing. I read it, and was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of smallness. In the second it took me to read the sentence, I was crushed with the idea that I'm only one person, and that there are billions of other people in the world that I don't know anything about. Reason would ask why I'm having this feeling now, instead of in a month when I will be surrounded by a culture currently unfamiliar to me. I don't know. I don't even know where my head is. Sometimes I imagine someone else is doing exactly what I'm doing at exactly the same time, or I wonder what they could be doing instead, but still sometimes it is hard for me to believe that other places and people exist. Obviously there have always been other people than me, in foreign and exotic places, with exciting memories of things I can't even begin to imagine. I'm not a realist, or idealist or nihilist or whatever it is called. I don't believe that I'm the center of the world and I've created everything around me. I don't believe it, but I've thought about it. What if, what if? I was the only person who actually existed and I have created everything around me, and as soon as it is outside of my contact something ceases to exist. What if my roommates, sleeping in the next room, aren't there until I enter the room? What if I can see the glare the street light throws on the wall when I look, but when I turn back to my computer, it is gone. It is an interesting theory to ponder, but I am too realistic to buy into it. If I'm the center of my universe, why would I create pain? Why would I create such an intense yearning for someone once they are gone, or why would I make them leave in the first place? I can't hardly think it is some subconscience effort to grow as a person, because if I'm creating everything, what is the point of growing as a person. Sometimes I think about it the other way too. What if I'm the pawn of someone else's ideal. And if I am, who's? Someone who thinks about me a lot...because I always seem to be here...But maybe I just don't remember when I'm not here. Or maybe I sleep when I'm not involved directly in their world and I wake when I am. But then why do I sometimes wake alone? I'm not alone. That is the point, isn't it? There are so many people and I don't understand anything. I can't imagine what it must be like to go to bed hungry, or wake up the the sound of shells bursting a hundred yards away, or even to go to a school without computers, and come home to somewhere without running water. It all seems so impossible. How can anyone even take me seriously because I'm so ignorant of so many things. What does it really matter that I know a little about music or movies, or even history and math? It seems to me that I will never be able to learn enough about others to truly understand them.

Steam of Conscience

xkcd.com

2:41 am

frictiva: fffff, tthhhh, ssss, ggggg. Oclusiva: dah, buh, muh...what are the others. Dang it. I knew them before...study again in the morning...the morning, only a few hours away. I'm tired, yet wide awake. I should go to sleep. Stop thinking, Sam. Clear your mind. Maybe I should count. one...two...three...oooh! my favorite number. 3 x 3 is 9 x 3 is 27. I wonder what the square root of 3 is. Between 1.5 and 2...1.8 something? 1.7? STOP. go to sleep. close your eyes. take deep breaths...in...out...in...out...

2:55am

I still have to write a page for my paper. What should I say. I should have finished. Oh, I forgot to sign out of messenger. I wonder if anyone will talk to me...No of coarse not, stupid. The rest of the world goes to sleep at this time. Why am I still awake?? I hope that girl gets a flight with me. I wonder if we should get a room in a hostel. Should we leave the airport during the layover? It will be a long time, and we will be in Poland. That could be interesting. I wonder how a person gets kicked off a train. Stealing away, obviously, but other than that. Do airlines have the same stipulations in all countries in terms of carry-ons? I wonder how much liquidy stuff I can bring. Toothpaste. Is mascara liquid? What about cover up? Does that exceed the limit? What should I pack? Mostly just clothes. and tampons. They don't have tampons with applicators there, they just have the tampon. Ew. A girl in my class has mono. What if I get mono in Spain. God that would be stupid. I need to go to sleep. Ugh. Just take deep breaths and you will drift off. Come on.

3:11am

Why is it that when I want to go to sleep the most, I can't. Maybe I should keep studying. no. don't think. close your eyes. Close 'em! Whoa. If I watch the colorless paterns on the inside of my eyelids and make my mind hazy and then shift my eyes really fast, I feel like my head is actually spinning. It is like I can get out of my body. Ohh. Stop that. It is making me sick. No, stop. Great, not I can't keep my head still. Open your eyes. Now close them. Again. Okay. Try to think about something. I wonder if my friends will be the same when they come back. How much will they change. They sound the same online. But that is just typing. I wonder if they find a National Treasure to go to in Europe if they will go without me. Well, why would they find such an overtly American movie in Europe anyway. And I was going to go without them once, and then once when they came back. So what is the difference then, as long as we go together. I wonder when it is too soon to call them to hang out. Family time is good, I know....

3:26

Twenty five more minutes of this and I will have laid here for and hour. One whole freaking hour that I could have been studying...or sleeping...hhhh.....

Mistakes are the portals of discovery

The thing about me is I'm a big dreamer. I get ideas and I let them transform my mind. I have set goals for myself, and I tell my mom, but she says they are unrealistic, and I fall silent, until one day, when my dreams become actions and change the world. I'm sorry that my mom was pushed into the "real world" when she was still a kid. I'm sorry that she didn't have a chance to go to school, or to follow the dreams that she must have had, once. I'm sorry she hates her job but is too content or scared to change her life. But it isn't my fault. I hate how she suppresses me, and I know she doesn't get it. She doesn't understand what it is like to have big goals and a drive to pursue them, or maybe she just never had big goals. Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be content. Maybe that is what my mom is, content just to be, to have no need or desire to do something important. What is important really? It is relative to each person, I suppose, so maybe what my mom is doing is important to her, and that is fine, but it isn't good enough for me, and she won't be able to make it good enough. I used to tell her everything, but now, we are too different. If I mention anything about traveling around for extended periods of time, her response is almost always disapproving. Knowledge of other cultures, increased worldly understanding, compassion, beauty, these things aren't what she thinks about. I feel like she is almost bitter because she doesn't have the opportunity and passion that I have. In my head, I push against everything that holds me back, I fight.When I'm actually confronted, even if what is said is just to be funny, I smile politely but say nothing. You can't bottle up my dreams, my goals. If I want to make a difference in the world, if I want to be part of a cause, of chaos, of compassion, if I want to reject the redundancy of everyday life, I will. If I want to witness humanity, I won't let you stop me, and you won't be able to. I hope that my ambition will not harm our relationship, and I will work hard to keep it at least as strong as it is now, but I can't tolerate your continuous insistence that I am making a mistake. Maybe I am, but then, let me. I can only learn so much from the mistakes of others.

updated list of things to do before i die, in no particular order

-read the Bible
-be a foster parent
-rifle whip someone with the butt first, and then the barrel
-jump off of a moving train (possibly onto a moving horse, but horse not necessary to fulfill dream)
-roadtrip from LA to New York, or the other way around
-join the Peace Corps
-learn how to pick a lock
-hot wire a car
-figure out that opening-a-car-door-with-a-coat-hanger trick
-do something important
-visit all 50 states
-fall asleep under the Northern Lights
-go to grad school