I'm pretty much staring at my computer screen trying to think of how to word what I'm feeling. I'm so confused. I don't even know if I am feeling. And if I am, maybe I don't even know what they are. Argh. I think my thoughts are catching up to me. What should I do? Should I do nothing, and let my thoughts slowly drive me insane? Or should I risk judgment and lose?

Do you believe in signs? Like from a higher being? I think I do, but I'm afraid to. Should I follow what my heart says, or should I listen to my mind? The signs say my heart. They say go for it, God will guide you. But I'm scared.

The begining of this week has been a mind clearing existance for me. My "poetic" release has done something to organize my thoughts. I am feeling slightly less angry and vengeful, though no less unresponsive to certain people. I think I have just come to realize certain things that I value more in my life, certain people, certain memories. I am subtly detaching myself from things that only seem to make my angry. I feel better already.

I'm driving just to clear my mind. Driving forever in the darkness. The music plays sad songs in the backround but I hear nothing but the words in my head. I drive, Away from my pain, From my fears. I turn inside of myself, To hide my feelings, To put up a front. I'm so anrgy, so confused. I don't know what to do. I have never felt like this before. My thoughts are going crazy. I can't stand it. I drive on, away. I fight against tears, but I loose. I loose. I just want to hide. To stay away forever. I want to scream. I stop. I breath. I walk away. I walk in the cold and listen to the sound of my footsteps. I think about the cold, and how it makes me feel. I can almost think straight. I try to be as quiet as I can, silent. I notice nothing, not the wind, not the moon, nothing. I've turned inside myself agian and the world seems duller, less nice. I hate this. I'm so confused. I just walk, slowly down the street in the dark... away... away from my pain. I detach myself from my life. I stare into space. I smile when I need to. I say thank you when I have to. I don't remember anything. I'm lost. I can't think straight. I don't know what to do.

I'm scared...

Don't preach to me about type casting, and then tell me she should have gotten the part because she looked it. And don't be so condecending about it. It isn't my fault. You wouldn't have thought twice if it were someone else directing. I can only do so much, you know. And he was already on my back for favoring my friends for roles over other people. Don't act like you know how it works, because you don't. I don't care if people are mad. Let them be mad. It isn't my fault. Everyone can't have everything they want in life. The ice has to break somewhere.

Christmas Spirit

I love Christmas. It is a combination of many good things. Good food, good weather, mostly happy people...I just like it. I like what it stands for at least (not so much the materialism involved now). But, I must admit that I am just not getting into the holiday. It is only two short weeks away. I know it is my own fault to, because I am so darn busy, but still. I suppose I will have to try a bit harder. Perhaps have a party, and decorate my basement. As a matter of fact, I think, if I finish writing that speech, I will decorate, right tonight. Maybe I will decorate and listen to some Carol of the Bells on repeat. That would be fun. I'm sure it would put me into the spirit much more that the lame attempt the school tried with the cumbersome Christmas trees in the entry way. I know they were trying for the gorgeous HP look, but it just turned out cheesy. Oh well. Ho ho ho.

Yellow

I really don't like that color. In fact, it would be safe to say I hate it. I don't even really know why. I just don't like it. There isn't really andything wrong with it, except it's ugliness. A lot of good things are yellow too. The sun, for one. I like the sun, mostly. I guess I would classify that as more of a orange yellow though. But what about bananas? Bananas are good. They are definatly yellow, so no explaining away that one. And who ever came up with yellow paper? Seriously, that was dumb. What is wrong with white? I like it just fine. Anyway, I have to do my homework. I will keep away from the yellow.

On London

Hmmmm. I was going to post my thoughts on London. But I got bored with that so I decided to post this just for the sake of posting. Sorry.

Injustice

Is it called irony when bad things happen to good people? Talk about cruelly ironic. I hate unfairness. Why do good people have to be hurt? Good people, who smile everyday, who actually care about you, who love, who enjoy life to the fullest. Why do they need to feel the pain of loss? Why does it have to be so hard? Why does a child have to die? I can't image what they must be going through. To have to take that kind of loss is one thing, but then to have to go home to the house, to the room that you had specially painted for the child, to the faces of your other waiting children, to tell them the news, to let them down, it would be unbearable. I don't know that I could keep living.

Dear God,
Give them the strength and courage to go on. Help them to continue living their lives. Support them as they struggle through this hardship. Don't let them loose faith, let them believe, let them learn. Show them how to move on, for their other children, for each other, for themselves. Be with them. Please.
Amen

So...Morris...

It is nice and...rural. There is a large barn and a field, in case you want to bring your horse with you to college. That was a plus. I would have missed my horse, but now I can just bring it with me. Maybe I could ride into town on the weekends. It would actually be better to ride my horse, because cars go so fast and if I blinked, I might miss the town. It is half the size of good ol' NU. Seriously, though, for a public school it is nice. The dorms are small, the smallest I think I've seen, but what can you do? The study abroad program is as good as anywhere else...as is the theater, and the rest of the programs I would be interested in. Nothing really stood out. They were hospitable there, though. When I was sitting in on the Spanish class, the other Spanish professor came in and gave me a bunch of stuff, including a quick study thing and a DVD of a study abroad they had in Ecuador (at least, I think that is what it is, I haven't watched it yet). I wasn't given the overall feeling of a big family though, like I have felt at other schools. No one really was hanging out on the lawn or watching TV in the lounge area. Actually, they didn't hardly have a lounge area. But, anyway, like I said, overall it was nice, and it only smelled a little.